


As Long As You Love Me

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-04-19 21:57:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14246586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: Takes place in the movie. Simon gets a little too drunk at Bram’s Halloween party and walking in on Bram and a minion was far from the end of the night. Bram/ Simon.





	1. The Morning After

**Author's Note:**

> So I am actually a little too obsessed with 'Love, Simon' and more specifically Simon and Bram's relationship. I usually HATE movies that are based on books. I just feel like the movie can never live up to the book and I usually hate all the changes movies make so a story can be more exciting. However, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE 'Love, Simon.' Like a surprising amount. 
> 
> I am especially obsessed with the Halloween party scene and I started to think: "What if Simon walking in on Bram and the minion wasn't the end of their night" and suddenly I wrote a six chapter story.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it!!

~ Simon ~

I groaned as I rolled over so I was lying down on my back. I felt like someone was banging pots and pans against my head and my room was too bright. I pressed my eyes closed for a moment, willing my hangover to be a figment of my imagination before I embraced the inevitable struggle my day would bring. When I looked around I was confused, and a little scared, to realize that I was not in my room. I didn’t recognize the room I was in at all, which ruled out Abby, Nick, and Leah. I wasn't really close enough with anyone else to have spent the night at their place. I wracked my brain trying to remember where I was and how I gotten here, but the last thing I remember was walking in on Bram kissing some girl dressed as a minion.

There was movement next to me and then a slight pressure on my chest. I looked down and saw Bram. He was fast asleep and thanks to him rolling over, his head rested on my chest. My heart started to pound like it was trying to break out of my chest. Bram's room. I was in Bram's room. I closed my eyes and tried to remember something, anything that would explain how I had spent the night with Bram. How did I end up in his bed when Leah was supposed to sleep over at my house? How did I end up in his bed when the last time I saw him, he was making out with some random girl? Shouldn't she be the one waking up in his bed? I frowned. I really didn't want to think about Bram sleeping with her. Maybe it was because I had convinced myself that he was Blue, but I still felt the blow of walking in on them.

My phone started ringing, jolting Bram awake and causing me to jump. “Shit, sorry,” I said as I reached for my phone. I saw Leah was calling. I frowned. She wasn’t big on phone calls. She usually preferred to video call me, because she felt it was more like talking in person. It was one of the things I both loved and hated about her.

I answered and she didn’t give me the chance to say anything before she was frantically saying, “Si, I don’t know if you’re still with Bram, but you need to check creeksecrets now!” There's a sense of urgency to her voice that my hangover filled brain has trouble understanding.

“How did you know I was with Bram?” I watched Bram look at me curiously. He had a slightly pained expression on his face and rubbed his temples. I think it was safe to say I wasn’t the only one nursing a pretty wicked hangover.

“Nick told me you were too drunk to go home so you would be spending the night with Bram.” Her voice suddenly got angry. “You know, you could have told me Si. I’m fine with it.”

“I don’t remember anything that happened last night, so I’m guessing I was way past telling you that I was too drunk,” I told her honestly. My head pulsed as if to affirm just how drunk I had gotten.

“That’s not what I’m talking about.”

“Then what are you talking about?” My head was spinning and my heart started pounding. I don’t know why, but I was suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling of dread. "What happened last night?" That question was for both Bram and her, but Bram shrugged at me. I didn't know if he didn't have an answer for me or if he didn't remember either.

“Just check creeksecrets. And do it now. Bye Si.” With that, she hung up. I was surprised to see that I had over 100 notifications on my phone. Abby had texted me about twenty times. I put my phone aside. I would deal with that later. Something in Leah’s voice made me think that creeksecrets should be the priority.

My brain felt fuzzy, but I had enough wherewithal to turn to Bram and ask if I could look up something on his laptop. He groaned and looked like he was in pain as he stretched to reach it. He logged into it and passed it to me. I went to creeksecrets, expecting to see the latest gossip on who hooked up with who last night. In a school like ours, a party like the one that happened last night was big news.

I froze when I got to the page. I guess I hadn't been totally wrong. There certainly was a piece of juicy gossip from the party last night. It was just a piece of gossip I'd rather have kept hidden. “Oh shit,” I whispered. I immediately had Bram’s attention. I felt like someone had poured freezing cold water on me. All the fuzz that had been clouding my brain immediately disappeared. Well, most of it cleared - part of my brain was struggling to understand how this had happened and that part still felt pretty fuzzy.

“What’s wrong?” Bram asked.

“What do you remember from last night?” I asked quietly. I intentionally lowered his screen, so he wouldn’t see what I had been looking at. I needed to figure out how to break this news to him.

“Not much,” Bram admitted. “I vaguely remember bits and pieces.”

“Well, I think we both forgot something very important.” My voice was barely a whisper.

“What?” Bram’s voice hitched as if he suddenly realized that I bore bad news.

I closed my eyes. “Before I show you this, I need to tell you something.” This hadn’t been my intention. I didn’t want to come out to Bram, of all people, like this. I didn’t know that I ever planned to intentionally come out to him. I’d never given it much thought, but I supposed he would have found out when the news spread to the school. Bram was practically a complete stranger to me, but I didn’t want to completely blindside him.

Bram looked at me expectantly. He didn’t try to rush me. He just looked at me with his soft eyes and patiently waited. I looked down at his comforter, trying to gather the strength to do what I needed to do. For a moment, I allowed myself to get swept away in the medley of grays, and blacks, and whites. “I’m gay,” I finally whispered.

I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I thought he would laugh, or roll his eyes, or shrug and pretend this never happened. Instead, he looked at me thoughtfully. “Okay,” he said simply. It wasn’t like he was trying to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, more so like he wanted to be supportive and wanted to give me the space to say what I needed to say. “Thank you for telling me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to say that.”

“There’s more.” I couldn’t look at him. “I think I may have made out with a straight dude last night. I don’t know how this happened, but I’m so sorry.” I finally pushed the laptop towards him.

He opened his computer cautiously and I watched his eyes widen as he looked at the image on the screen. It was a crystal-clear image of the two of us kissing.

Bram was silent for a long time. Long enough that I couldn’t bear the thought of one more second of silence. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t know how this happened. I think I was just drunk and confused, and I must have roped you into that. Now everyone’s going to think you’re gay. And all because someone took a picture of that. Then again, maybe it’s photoshopped. If we can prove that, you might be in the clear.” It was strange. Part of me wanted so badly for it to be real, for me to be the kind of person that Bram would want to be with. The other part of me wanted it to be a nightmare so that Blue, whoever he was, wouldn’t see it. Even if he didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know who he was, I really liked him and I almost felt like I had cheated on him.

His voice was surprisingly calm when he spoke. “There’s a video.”

“What?” I asked incredulously. I moved to sit by his side so I could see his laptop. Maybe it was the hangover, but I hadn't noticed a video.

He looked at me, a strange, unidentifiable emotion in his eyes. “We need to watch it,” Bram finally said. “We need to know what’s on it.”

I hesitated only a moment before I nodded at him. This video was accessible to the whole school. It was important that we knew what was on it.

I felt so confused as Bram started the video. Part of me was excited to relive something that had completely escaped my memory, but another part of me was dreading it. When the video started, it looked like someone was filming it from inside a closet. And it didn’t start when we started kissing. It started as we were walking into the bedroom. I heard intermittent sniffles and it occurred to me that whoever was filming was crying.

I watched with morbid curiosity. I was surprised when the audio suddenly cut off, plunging us into complete silence.

I could see his mouth moving, but I had no idea what he said as he pulled me towards the bed. My head lolled over onto his shoulder and instead of pushing me away, Bram held me and rested his head on mine. I turned and gave him a big hug. I said something to him that caused him to shake his head and laugh. After a moment, I started laughing. It was a full body laugh that caused me to fall back against his bed. It took me awhile to get myself back to a sitting position. Bram looked at me, surprised at first, but eventually he started laughing with me.

He turned to leave, but I jumped to my feet and grasped my hand around his wrist. I don’t know what I said, but Bram froze and a look of horror crossed his face. At least a minute passed before he said anything. When he did, I saw tears spring into my eyes and it looked like I was rambling. Bram’s surprise only grew as I talked. He said something to me and I spoke for nearly a minute. I wanted so badly to know what I was saying.

I got distracted when Bram clearly interrupted me. We went back and forth for a moment until without warning, he leaned in and kissed me. It was an intense kiss. I found myself pointedly looking away from Bram and trying to ignore the blood rushing to my cheeks. I had never been kissed like that before. He stopped kissing me after a moment and said something to me. At first I shook my head, but then he said something else and my face lit up. I was the one that instigated the kiss that time. We kissed for several minutes and at one point, I saw myself push his shirt up and touch his stomach. I looked like I had discovered the holy land. I wondered how far we would have gotten if someone hadn’t jumped out of the closet, drawing their phone close to us. The sound suddenly cut back on. I could hear us panting in the background. “Behold ladies and gentlemen. Simon Spier, aside from being horrible at keeping his side of a deal, is in gay love with Bram Greenfeld.” We both looked at the camera cluelessly, still tangled together.

I stared at Bram’s computer screen long after the video ended. I was pissed that I couldn’t remember all of that. No one should ever forget being kissed like that, even if it was with a straight dude and even if it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. I was kind of jealous of drunk-me. Then something dawned on me. “That was Martin’s voice. Freaking Martin.” I was shaking. I couldn’t believe it. How dare he? This was so much worse than threatening to post my emails. He'd recorded me and Bram and had completely violated our privacy.

“Are you sure?” Bram asked.

I nodded. I had had countless nightmares about him outing me to the whole school in public, so I would recognize that voice anywhere. Plus, he had an actual speaking part in Cabaret, so I was stick hearing his voice for two hours every day after school. “I’m sure.”

Bram had a weird look in his eye as he stared at the creeksecrets post. I didn’t try to talk to him or ask him any questions. I could only imagine what was going through his head. I mean, at least I was gay. People might now know I was gay, but they knew the truth about me. They only knew a lie about him.

“Well, I guess we know where we need to start,” he told me.

“Start?” I asked. I was really confused. What were we starting?

“I want to know what happened last night. And I want to know what we were saying in the video,” he told me. His facial expression was still unreadable. I would have almost preferred for him to yell at me for seducing him.

“Not Martin,” I whispered. “Can we start with anyone but Martin?”

Bram studied me for a moment, but eventually he nodded. “Fine. Let’s start with what we remember from last night.”

I looked at him. “I remember bits and pieces. We played Beruit with Abby and Martin,” I said. “I don’t really remember what happened before that, but we started dancing to some really bad karaoke and then we were singing a song… Oh, what was it?”

“As Long As You Love Me,” Bram whispered. He wasn’t looking at me. “That’s the last thing I really remember. There's bits and pieces after that, but nothing concrete.”

“Well, after that there was more karaoke and…” I hesitated. I didn’t want to tell him the real reason I had gone to his room. I had caused him enough harm. No need to tell him that I actually thought he was my gay penpal. We were already in a messy situation and that might make it seem like I had planned for this to happen. “I was trying to find the bathroom and I walked in on you and some girl dressed like a minion. I can’t remember who she was, but you two were making out. Then I went back downstairs and…” I frowned as I tried to fill in the gaps. “I ran into someone… Abby! I ran into Abby!”

“Call her,” Bram said. He flopped down on his bed and closed his eyes tight as if he were willing himself to wake up. This was hard on me, but I can’t even imagine what it must be like to make out with a guy when you’re straight. He must be so confused and frustrated. There isn’t enough damage control in the world to undo the damage Martin’s video caused.

I dutifully called Abby. She answered on the first ring. “Hey Simon,” she said. “Are you okay? I just saw the blog. What happened?”

“That’s what we’re trying to figure out,” I admitted. “We don’t really remember much from last night. You’re on speaker by the way.”

“We? Oh my God! Are you with Bram?” Abby asked. She sounded weirdly excited.

“Um… yes. How did you know?” I asked confused.

“I’m the one that told you to go for it,” Abby said. “I’m so happy it worked out! I told you so, I told you so, I told you so!”

“What the hell did you tell me?” I suddenly wished I hadn’t put her on speaker, but at this point, Bram and I were kinda in this together. We were past the point of hiding whatever happened last night. I was obviously responsible for last night and Bram deserved to know how that happened.

“You don’t remember talking to me, do you?”

“Not even a little.” I rubbed my temple, trying to stave off the massive headache that was a combination of a hangover and the stress of this crappy situation.

“Okay. Well, I’m guessing you want me to fill in some of the blanks?” I could almost see the small smile that would be on her face. I imagined that if we were talking in person, she would have playfully pushed me and made fun of me for getting so drunk. Then she would have poked my cheek. She really liked to poke my cheek and honestly, sometimes it cut the tension perfectly.

“If you wouldn’t mind,” I said through clenched teeth.

“Settle in for a story unlike any other,” Abby said in a mysterious voice.

I rolled my eyes, but listened as Abby began to tell us about what happened last night.

 


	2. Shots

 

~ Abby~

_Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Simon stumble into the kitchen. He looked upset and without a moment’s hesitation, I joined him in the kitchen. He was making himself a mixed drink… if it even technically qualified as that. He had added about a drop of orange soda to a nearly full red solo cup of vodka._

_“Um… gross,” I said taking it away from him. “This will literally kill you.”_

_“Give me my drink back,” Simon said. He actually sounded a little angry as he reached for it. I was surprised by that. Simon never struck me as the kind of guy that got angry over stupid things._

_“Simon, you can’t drink this much, especially not in one drink. You will literally end up in the hospital and I, for one, am not willing to have that conversation with your parents,” I warned him. There was no way I was telling any parental figure what was happening tonight. His face fell and for a split second, he reminded me of a sad puppy. I studied him. He didn’t seem too drunk. No more drunk than I was, so I didn’t think there would be any harm. “How about this. Why don’t we take a shot together?”_

_Simon’s face brightened up. “Deal,” he said. I poured us both shots. The second I finished pouring, Simon downed his shot and before I had a chance to take mine, he had downed that as well._

_“What the hell?” I asked. Now I was pissed. All of my anger left me a moment later when Simon buried his head in his arms on the kitchen counter. When he lifted his head, I was shocked to see he was crying. I looked around. It was a pretty chilly night and the party had long since moved inside. Only a handful of people were outside, so I knew we wouldn’t be interrupted or overheard. “Come with me.”_

_I took his hand and guided him outside. He didn’t put up the slightest fight and when I told him to sit, he did so without complaint. I sat in a lounge chair next to him. He looked up at the sky. “Stars,” he muttered. His eyes fluttered as he sat up a little straighter in his chair. “They make you think anything is possible. Reach for the stars and all that crap. They don’t tell you that when you reach for the stars, you’ll miss and that fall sucks.”_

_“What’s going on?” I asked. I was trying to sound gentle, because I didn’t want to scare him. Clearly something was very wrong. I had never seen him like this before._

_He looked at me and it seemed like there was a battle happening in his head. I had no idea what I could say to help him. “Abby?” He asked me tentatively. Despite the shots he had taken, his words were clear and sounded like he was carefully thinking about how to say what he needed to say._

_“Yeah?” I asked. I held his hand as he closed his eyes, trying to get out what he needed to say. There was nothing even remotely romantic about holding his hand. I didn’t feel anything towards him, nothing like what I felt when I was with Nick._

_He looked me straight in the eye and said, “Abby, I’m gay.”_

_“Oh, okay.” I took a minute to process that. And then I noticed that he was shaking. “Have you ever told anyone this before?”_

_“No. And you can’t tell anyone. I’m not ready for people to find out.” He squeezed my hand uncomfortably tight, the only indication that he was terrified of my reaction._

_“I won’t tell anyone,” I promised._

_Simon looked at me. He almost looked nervous. “Are you surprised?”_

_“No.”_

_“So you knew?” He asked._

_“No.”_

_Simon was quiet for a long time as if he didn’t quite understand how I could have not known and not been surprised at the same time. I didn’t know how to explain it to him. It’s like once he told me, it made complete sense, but before he told me, I hadn’t even considered that he could be gay. I hesitated before I asked my next question. “Is that why you’re drinking so much tonight?”_

_Simon shook his head. “No. It’s Bram.”_

_I studied him for a moment, my eyes widening as another piece of the puzzle fell into place. “You like Bram.” In retrospect, it seemed so obvious. They paired together to play Beruit, they sang karaoke together. Simon had clearly been flirting with Bram all night. I hadn’t picked up on it, because I never thought there would be anything to see there._

_Simon just nodded. His face crumpled. “And I thought he liked me,” he slurred. “I thought tonight meant something to him. I thought he was the one, but I was wrong.”_

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“He’s upstairs as we speak. He’s making out with a minion. A freaking minion. Over John Lennon. Who does that?” For a moment Simon looked so outraged, I couldn’t help but laugh. This was literally the most absurd conversation I'd ever had._

_“Sorry, I’m not making fun of you. The way you said that was just too funny. Are you sure you saw what you saw? Maybe she got too drunk and he was being a good host by giving her a place to rest.”_

_Simon shook his head. “No,” he said sadly. “They were kissing. They’re probably going to sleep together and fall in love and get married and have little minion babies.”_

 

Bram made a choking sound in the background and I paused for a moment to make sure he was okay.

 

_“Whoa. Don’t get ahead of yourself.”_

_Simon ignored me. “I guess it doesn’t matter. He’s not who I thought he was. I guess it just wasn’t meant to be. I just wanted it so badly to be him.”_

_“Just because he’s making out with some chick, you’re going to completely give up on him?” I asked. I couldn’t help but feel pissed at him. What is it with guys who are just willing to give up instead of putting an actual effort into their relationships?_

_“What other choice do I have?” Simon grumbled._

_“You can fight for him,” I told him. “I watched the two of you tonight. He was so clearly flirting with you. Maybe he swings both ways or maybe he’s so drunk he doesn’t realize what he’s doing. You’ll never know if you don’t try to talk to him.”_

_“I can’t,” Simon whispered. He looked around. “I need another drink.”_

_“Do you really think alcohol is the answer.” I couldn’t help but sound bitter. Everything with my dad was still so fresh in my mind._

_“Yes,” he answered resolutely._

_I stood in front of him, my hands on my hips. “You listen to me Simon Spier. You cannot drink away your problems. My dad did that and I refuse to let it happen to another person I care about.”_

_Simon stared at me. “I’m sorry. I… I didn’t know.”_

_“I don’t really talk about it much.” I shrugged. If Simon could come out to me, I could tell him a little about my family. “It’s still hard to think about. It’s hard to accept that the dad I looked up to as a kid is the same guy that drinks way too much beer and sleeps around with women to forget about how much he hates his job. It’s easier to pretend that nothing happened and that I’m not a broken girl from a broken home.”_

_“You’re not broken Abby,” Simon said, his voice surprisingly gentle. “You are one of the strongest people I know. Nothing your dad did or might do in the future will change that. You are an amazing friend and person. Anyone would be lucky to know you. If your dad was willing to throw that away, it’s his loss.”_

_I wiped away a tear I hadn’t realized escaped me. “Thanks. You’re not too bad yourself.” I shivered. “Come on. That’s enough soul-bearing for one night. Let’s get back inside.”_

_Simon willingly followed me back in. There seemed to be a little more spring in his step as he walked._

_We entered through the kitchen, just as Bram and Garrett walked in. “Dude, you totally could have banged that chick. She was so into you,” Garrett said._

_I groaned. I didn’t need to look at Simon to know that all the progress we just made had jumped out the window. I frowned. If i could just get Simon and Bram alone, they may still be able to salvage the night._

_“Hey Garrett. Garrett.” I had to repeat his name three more times and snap my fingers at him before I got his attention. “Hey, can you show me where the bathroom is?” I wasn’t oblivious. I knew a lot of guys found me attractive. I was hoping Garrett was one of them so I could leave Simon with Bram to talk. Luck was in my favor. Garrett got a funny glint in his eye as he nodded eagerly._

_He was out the door in a heartbeat. I glanced at Simon and mouthed ‘you got this.’ Simon blushed a little as I gave him the thumbs up. I followed Garrett out the door and I really hoped Simon wouldn’t chicken out and would actually talk to Bram. I got turned around a couple of times and when I tried to find Garrett, I saw him going back into the kitchen._

_I groaned. Clearly, I needed to be more direct with my distractions. Before I could go more than a few steps, I bumped into Nick. “I need to talk to you,” he whispered. He gently grabbed my hand and gave it a light squeeze. I could feel myself blushing._

_Just like that, all thoughts of Simon and Bram flew out my head as I followed Nick outside. I was barely aware of the cold air as he led me to the same set of lounge chairs Simon and I had just been sitting in._

 

“And that’s it,” I explained. “I didn’t see you again the rest of the night.”

“So Garrett was with us the last time you saw us?” Simon confirmed.

“I think so. I don’t really remember if you all were still in the kitchen when Nick and I walked out, but I think you were.”

“Are you and Nick together?” Simon asked curiously.

“I don’t know. We didn’t really do much talking last night and I was drunk.” My cheeks flushed red and I was grateful Simon couldn’t see me.

Simon laughed. “Well I’m glad someone had a good night,” he said sincerely. “Thanks for telling me all that. Now we know Garrett is our next call.”

I faintly heard Bram in the background. “I’ll call him once you’re off with Abby.” His voice still sounded strained. I imagined listening to the conversation me and Simon had wasn't the most pleasant experience for him.

“Okay, I’ve gotta go,” Simon told her.

“Wait!” I practically shouted. “How did things go with Bram? Did you talk to him about what happened last night?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Simon said abruptly. “I gotta go. Bye.”

He hung up on me. I was tempted to call him back, but I knew he had a lot going on this morning. And from the sounds of it, he and Bram weren't in a much better place than when I had left them the night before.

I looked back at the post on the creeksecrets blog. I hadn’t been able to look away since I got back from Nick’s house and discovered what someone had posted to the school blog. I felt for Simon and Bram. If they didn't remember anything, they had a lot of gaps to fill.

I frowned. He clearly didn’t want to talk to me, but I didn’t want him to think he was alone. I pulled out my phone and texted him: _I’m sorry. Whatever happens, I love you._


	3. The Question Game

 

~ Garrett ~

I groaned as my phone started ringing, pulling me from my sleep. I never noticed how jarring my ringtone was. I had passed out pretty much the moment I had gotten home and my plan had been to sleep as long as possible. Guess that wasn't happening.

I reached for my phone, trying to ignore the throbbing in my head. I saw Bram’s picture on my caller ID. “Hey man,” I answered. “Wicked party last night.”

“Thanks,” Bram said in a rush. “Listen, I have to ask you something kinda awkward.”

“What is it?” I had never heard him sound so nervous before.

“I don’t really remember what happened last night. We’re trying to fill in the gaps.” Bram sounded like he was confessing to murder.

“We?” I asked, a smile spreading across my face. “Did you finally man up with Spier?”

I could hear Bram sputtering on the other end. “What’s he talking about?” I frowned. That was clearly Simon. I hadn’t realized they would still be together.

“I have no idea,” Bram told him. “So here’s the thing. When I say I don’t remember what happened last night, the last thing I fully remember was singing karaoke with Simon. Abby said she saw you with us after she left Simon.”

“The last thing you remember is karaoke?” I couldn’t help but sound incredulous. That was practically at the start of the party. I hadn’t realized he had gotten so drunk. I frowned, trying to figure out where to start. “Okay. Here’s what I know.”

 

_Bram and I sat down on the couch. The world was spinning a little bit, but in a weird way it was a good spin. It made me free carefree and weightless. “This is going to take forever to clean up,” Bram groaned looking around at spilled beer, abandoned red solo cups, and crushed snacks that littered the floors._

_“Good thing your mom is gonna be gone a couple of days with your aunt. You’re gonna need all the time you can get.”_

_He smiled. “So worth it.” I looked at him curiously, wondering what had put him in such a good mood. As if he realized that he had confused me, he added, “everyone looks like they're having a good time.”_

_“This is definitely the place to be,” I agreed._

_Suddenly this girl dressed as a minion squeezed herself in between us. She didn’t look like she recognized us and I only vaguely recognized her from around school. I was pretty sure she was a year or two younger than us. She immediately turned her attention to Bram and I would recognize the look on her face anywhere. She was into him._

_“You throw a really great party,” she slurred._

_“Oh, it was nothing. I just got lucky to have the house to myself this weekend,” he explained._

_The girl perked up when he said he had the house to himself. “You are so lucky. I wish I could have a house to myself once in awhile.” She began tracing his chest where is shirt stopped. “Endless opportunities with an empty house.”_

_I could see Bram stiffen as he realized what she was doing. Bram had always been really awkward around girls. I figured it was because he hadn’t been in a serious relationship yet, so he was uncertain when it came to them. After the party he threw, I figured he deserved a little help._

_“You know,” I said. “Bram’s room is all the way at the top of the stairs. The perfect place for some alone time.”_

_The girl smiled big. She kissed Bram’s forehead in what I’m sure would have been a seductive way if she was older. “I’ll be waiting.”_

_Bram gulped, but made no move to follow her._

_“Dude, what are you doing? Go get her.”_

_Bram hesitated. “I don’t know,” he said slowly._

_“Look, you’re never going to get a girlfriend if you don’t put yourself out there. Experiment a little. Find out what you like.”_

_A strange look crossed Bram’s face, but after a moment he nodded and stood up. “Go get some buddy,” I said. I patted his arm as he walked away._

_Just a few minutes later, Bram literally ran into me. He looked like he was trying to escape his room. I had never seen a look of such panic on his face before. “What’s wrong? Did she end up being a dude or something?”_

_His expression tightened and he swallowed. I was suddenly nervous that maybe she had been a dude. “I’m just… She unzipped my pants and I don’t know man. I just turned and ran.”_

_I couldn’t help but laugh. He looked so frazzled. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. “Bro, we need to get some more alcohol into you if that scared you. Then maybe you can give minion girl another go.” Bram and I started to walk towards the kitchen._

_“I don’t know man. I think I burnt that bridge.” He didn’t look too upset about it._

_I sighed. He had so much potential. I knew a lot of girls thought he was cute; he just needed to put himself out there. “Such a missed opportunity.”_

_“What do you mean?” He asked confused._

_We finally got to the kitchen. “Dude, you totally could have banged that chick. She was so into you,” I told him._

_I didn’t realize that we weren’t alone until Abby got my attention by snapping her fingers in my face. “Hey, can you show me where the bathroom is?” She asked._

_I didn’t hesitate. Abby was easily one of the hottest girls in school AND she had a personality. That didn’t happen often._

_I walked out of the kitchen and after a moment, she followed me. We got separated by the throes of people all around us. As I scanned the crowd to find her, I spotted Nick and felt like I had just woken up. I groaned. I had completely forgotten about him. He was so obviously into Abby. It would be a pretty severe violation of the bro code if I tried anything with Abby. I stopped trying to find her and went back to the kitchen. It was better that way. Nick was a cool guy and I so didn’t want to get on his bad side._

_When I got back to the kitchen, Simon was spinning around the kitchen. “As long as you love me,” he sang. "We could be starving, we could be homeless, we could be broke." He pointed at Bram as he sang._

_He tripped and Bram steadied him. “Whoa there,” Bram said. He laughed and I had never seen him so carefree before. Where did the Bram that had just been in a panic because some girl tried to unzip his pants go? “I think someone has had a little too much too drink.”_

_“Or has someone else not had enough to drink?” Simon slurred. “Shots, shots, shots, shots,” he sang. I guessed he was in a musical mood._

_“Hard to argue with that logic,” Bram said. He had that weird look in his eye._

_“If we’re taking shots, count me in,” I said as I joined them at the counter._

_Simon poured three shots. We immediately downed them._

_“Where’s your minion?” Simon asked Bram. I looked at him surprised. I didn’t think anyone other than me and Bram had known about that girl._

_“He wimped out,” I said before Bram could make up some dumbass excuse. “She wanted to get hot and heavy with him and he freaked out. Just like a virgin.”_

_Simon got strangely defensive. “Nothing wrong with being a virgin.”_

_I snorted. That was quite possibly the most hypocritical thing I'd ever heard him say. “Like you would know.”_

_Simon looked at me confused. “What are you talking about?”_

_“You and Leah,” I said with a shrug. I didn't think it was this big secret or anything. “Practically the whole school knows your messing around.”_

_“I… Leah… What?” Simon sputtered. “I have never had sex with Leah, nor do I have any intention of ever having sex with Leah. She’s not my type.”_

_That caught me by surprise. Even Nick had speculated that they were sleeping together and I figured if anyone would know, it would be him. I could feel myself flushing. I used to have a major crush on Leah, but I thought I got over it when I convinced myself she was in love with Simon. “Then who is your type?” I demanded. Simon turned bright red and didn’t answer me. “Okay, I have an idea. Let’s play a game. I don’t really know you and you don’t really know me or Bram, so let’s get to know each other, shall we? We can ask each other any questions and then we have the option of either taking a shot or answering the question. No lies and no half-assed answers.”_

_I half expected some type of objection, but Simon simply poured three new shots and put them on the counter in between the three of us. He looked me right in the eye. “Do you like Leah?”_

_“How did you…?” I started to ask._

_Simon shook his head. “Remember. Just the truth.”_

_“Yes,” I told him. “But how did you know?”_

_“You looked a little too excited when I told you I wasn’t sleeping with her.” I was surprised he had picked up on that, especially with how drunk he was. I guess Simon sees all. I thought I remembered him making a joke about how he was destined to be nosy, but I couldn't remember how he worded it._

_“Okay, so it’s my turn,” I said, turning towards Simon. “Leah’s not your type, so who is your type?”_

_Simon took a shot without any hesitation. He looked towards Bram. “What is one of your most embarrassing moments?”_

_Bram frowned as he bit his lip. “My most embarrassing moment,” he muttered to himself as he thought._

_“He’s got so many, this may take a while,” I joked. Bram rolled his eyes at me, but it took him over a minute to think of something._

_“I got it. When I was at my old school, we had this big assembly in the fifth grade to talk about sex. The guys all went in the morning and the girls were going to get the talk after us. They had passed out blank pieces of paper and I wasn’t really paying attention, so I assumed we were supposed to take notes. And then they started this really weird video that kept referring to virginity as a precious gift and told us that once you mail the package, you can never get it back. It was really, really weird. So, I tuned out and some guys in my grade took turns drawing on it after they had turned theirs into paper airplanes. Turns out that they had handed out the piece of paper so we could write down any questions we had on it, but all my paper had on it was a bunch of penises that some of my classmates had taken turns drawing. The woman that was giving the talk told us we had to write down a question, so while many of my classmates were trying to flatten out their paper airplanes, the one that had my paper quickly thought of a question for me and turned it in with the others. Then the woman giving the talk started to read aloud the questions and answer them, she got to mine, the question was ‘why am I so obsessed with my penis?’ To make matters worse, she decided to call me out on it and was all like ‘very funny Abraham Greenfeld, very funny.’ I wanted to die. To this day, I pay attention to everything that happens in school because I refuse to feel that embarrassment again.”_

_Simon and I were cracking up. I felt a burst of nausea, as if I had laughed too hard, but as I calmed down that went away. “Dude, that’s mortifying,” Simon said._

_“Well, what about you. What’s your most embarrassing moment?” Bram asked._

_“Hmm,” Simon said. He frowned and his eyebrows scrunched together. “I don’t know. I feel like I have pretty normal embarrassing moments. Like peeing myself during school in the first grade because I didn’t want to stop watching the movie they were playing in class and I thought I could hold it. Or… oh, I got one. When I was probably twelve or thirteen, my parents had run to the grocery store and left me to watch my little sister. She was really into makeovers at that point. She begged me to let her give me a makeover. After a little while, I let her. I didn’t think anyone would see me. So she did my hair, put some lipstick on me, and painted my nails. My parents were super embarrassing about it when they got home, but I could deal with that. I think they still have pictures. I guess I should have been paying more attention when my sister was doing my makeover, because she didn’t use nail polish when she did my nails, she used some type of paint that stained my nails. So when I went to school the next day, I had hot pink nails. After a few weeks, kids stopped teasing me about it, but it was still embarrassing. It’s not a penis drawing, but it’s what I’ve got for you. What about you Garrett?”_

_I took a shot. There was no way in hell I was sharing my most embarrassing moment. Just thinking about it made my stomach twist. I was about to ask Simon a question when Nick came into the kitchen. “Nick!” I said with a smile. “We’re playing a game. Want to join us?”_

_“Designated driver, remember?” Nick said as he eyed the shots between us. “I was just getting some water for Abby. Uh… Simon, can I talk to you outside?”_

_Nick filled a cup with water and Simon followed him outside, leaving me and Bram alone. “I guess it’s still my turn for a question,” I said slowly. I looked at Bram, wondering what I could ask him. There wasn’t much I didn’t know about him. We'd been best friends since he moved here. “Why did you freak out so much about minion girl?”_

 

“Hey Bram?” I said into the phone, abruptly stopping my retelling of the evening.

“Yeah?” He asked me curiously.

“Am I still on speaker phone?”

“Yeah, why?”

I frowned. “You should take me off speaker for this part.”

I thought I heard Simon object in the background, but Bram whispered something to him and then he was silent. Bram’s voice was significantly clearer when he spoke next. “Okay, I took you off.”

“Good.”

 

_Bram eyed the shot glass on the table and for a moment, I thought he wasn’t going to answer me. He downed the shot and I could feel my disappointment rising. “Simon walked in on us,” he whispered._

_“So?” I asked confused._

_“It’s like I suddenly realized what I was doing. And remembered why it was wrong.”_

_“And why was it wrong?”_

_Bram took a deep breath and looked down at the counter. “Because I don’t like girls.” I waited for him to keep going and say that he didn’t like girls that had brown hair or girls that were that tall, but he didn’t say anything else._

_“You… you don’t like girls. Meaning that you are…” I trailed off. I wasn’t going to say it in case I was wrong. It was possible that in his drunken state, he just forgot to finish his sentence. People did that all the time when they were drunk._

_“Meaning that I am gay,” he told me flatly. His hands clenched the counter and his knuckles were almost white from his grip._

_A million things went through my head, first and foremost was that his lack of experience with girls made complete sense now. It wasn’t because he was uncomfortable around them, he just wasn’t interested._

_“Okay,” I said. I took a shot myself, feeling I probably needed it for this conversation. This was a pivotal moment for Bram. If I said the wrong thing, it could break his trust in me. I was typically a goofy person and Bram and I rarely talked about serious things. We briefly talked about his parent’s divorce and my issues with my dad, but other than that, we talked about superficial things like movies and video games. “I don’t know how to talk about this man, so if I say something wrong I’m sorry. You’re my best friend and I’m here for you. If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” I almost wished I wasn’t so drunk, because this seemed like a conversation that should happen whilst sober, but he was really drunk too, so I supposed there was nothing I could do about that. “How long have you known? Do you like anyone at our school? You don’t have to answer. Like I said, I’m here for you.”_

_“I don’t mind.” Bram entwined his hands and brought them behind his neck as if he were trying to clear his head. “I’ve known for a while. A couple of years at least. And yes, I like someone.”_

_He looked out the door where Simon had just disappeared. I followed his gaze. “Nick or Simon?” I asked curiously. He poured himself another shot. “That’s your last one.” I warned him._

_He took the shot and grimaced. “Simon.”_

_“You like Simon?”_

_“I don’t know. I think so… everything is just so messed up. And I don’t even know if he’s gay.” Bram sighed and put his elbows down on the counter. I had a feeling his shots were starting to hit him._

_“Do you want him to be gay?”_

_“I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “It would be easier if he weren’t. I could go on keeping this secret. But at the same time, if he is…”_

_Bram immediately stopped talking as Simon reentered the kitchen._

_“Well, it’s getting late. I should probably be heading out,” I said. I wagged my eyebrows at Bram and he rolled his eyes._

_“Nick is our designated driver. He said we’re leaving soon if you want a ride back,” Simon told me._

_“Great! I’ll go find him.” I practically ran outside. I saw Nick and Abby cuddling in one of those cheap, plastic lounge chairs. They looked completely content. “Hey, Simon mentioned you might be able to give me a ride back to my place? I don’t live far.”_

_Nick looked up at me and shrugged. “Sure thing. It may be a tight fit, but I can give you a lift.”_

_He yawned. “I should probably go track down Martin and Leah so we can head out.”_

 

“That’s all I know.”

“Hold up. I’m putting you back on speaker.” There were a few beeps as I assumed Bram pressed the wrong buttons. “There you go. So you’re saying Nick was the last person to see us.”

“I think so. When he drove us back to our houses, he said he had talked to you.”

“So I guess Nick is the next person we should talk to,” Bram said with a sigh. “Thanks man.”

“No problem,” I told him with a shrug. He hung up without saying goodbye and I rolled over in bed. I felt like I hadn’t slept at all and I more than willingly welcomed the black waters of sleep.

 


	4. Time to Go

~ Nick ~

I was eating a bowl of cereal when Simon called. It wasn’t really early; in fact, it was already past noon, but I was surprised to see he was awake. I figured he would have spent another couple of hours in a hangover induced coma followed by another couple of hours in an embarrassment induced coma.

I answered the phone. “Hey,” I said cheerfully. “I’m glad you called.”

“Ugh, hey yourself. I feel like death,” he complained.

“After last night, I believe it. You know they say you shouldn’t mix alcohol, right?”

“Shut up,” Simon muttered. “Speaking of last night...

“Okay, I’m gonna make a long story very short,” Bram said grumpily. “Because you’re the third person we’ve had to call and we really want to get to the bottom of this. We don’t remember anything that happened last night and if you could shed some light on what exactly happened, that would be great.”

“Hey Bram,” I said. I figured they would still be together, especially when I saw the creeksecrets page. That wasn't something they would walk away from easily. “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Like a million bucks,” Bram said sarcastically.

“Look, I saw the post,” I said hesitantly. I could hear Simon groan in the background.

“We really don’t remember it happening,” Simon told me quickly.

“Did you plan it?” I asked. When I woke up and saw it, it had seemed like too much of a coincidence. It made me feel guilty to know I may have done something that caused them to think they needed to sneak around like that. “It just seems like Bram was super excited to have you spend the night and in case you thought you have to sneak around, I just want to throw this out there. You don’t have to hide this from us. We’ve got your back.”

“No, no, no,” Simon said, sounding flustered. “Bram’s not… We didn’t… It was a mistake. We’re trying to understand what could have led to what you saw in that video.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” I promised.

 

_Abby was running her hands through my hair. She giggled. “It’s like cotton candy.”_

_I rolled my eyes. She was definitely sobering up, but she was still very, very drunk. “We need to get some water in you,” I told her. “I’ll be right back.” I stood up and stretched out._

_I went into the kitchen and stopped dead when I saw Simon, Bram, and Garrett standing around a counter. “Nick! We’re playing a game. Want to join us?”_

_I eyed the shots that were lined up between them and shook my head. “Designated driver, remember? I was just getting some water for Abby. Uh… Simon, can I talk to you outside?” I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. I remembered what Abby said. Benefit of the doubt. I filled a cup of water for Abby and the moment we were outside, I turned on Simon._

_“Why did you make up that story about Jonathan?” I asked him._

_He swayed on his feet and looked up at the stars. He mumbled something about falling, but I didn’t understand a word of it. “Simon,” I said. I shook his shoulder a little bit. He looked at me blankly. “Why did you make up a story about Jonathan?”_

_“Who is Jonathan?” Simon asked. He span in a circle, humming the tune to a song. I put my hand on his shoulder and he immediately stopped singing._

_“Look at me. Just for a minute. I need your unidivided attention.” Simon apparently found that really funny and started laughing. “Why did you make up a story about Jonathan?” I hoped that this was the last time I would have to ask._

_“Jonathan,” Simon muttered. He frowned. “I don’t know Jonathan, sorry. Maybe he’s inside.”_

_I groaned. He was basically useless. “He’s not inside. You told me he was Abby’s boyfriend!”_

_“Abby has a freaking boyfriend and she didn’t tell me?” Simon asked. He looked legitimately offended. At least he was paying attention now._

_“Abby doesn’t have a ‘freaking boyfriend’,” I said, using air quotes. “You made that up.” I thought back to our conversation early in the evening when Simon had told me Abby had a boyfriend. “Simon, I’m only going to ask this one more time and I want the truth. Are you into Abby?”_

_Simon actually laughed. “Not even a little bit,” he promised. “She is not my type. Not at all.” He laughed and span in a circle again this time singing, “As Long As You Love Me.” I recognized the song from karaoke earlier. It must have gotten stuck in his head after he sang it with Bram. “She’s not the one I want to love me, love me, love me...”_

_For a moment, I thought he was going to cry, but he held himself together. It was hard for me to doubt him. I had a feeling he was too drunk to lie that convincingly. “Then why did you make up Jonathan?” I asked._

_“I don’t merember Jonathan.” He squinted as if he were trying to remember something from a long time ago._

_I sighed. I had a feeling I was never going to find out why he had made up Jonathan and I guessed it didn’t really matter. Aside from me eating away my feelings for a few hours, there had been no real harm. Plus, he was clearly working through a crush on someone. I suspected that someone was Leah, but I wasn’t going to push him on that when he was this drunk. “Okay.” I glanced down at my watch. It was a little after 12am. Simon’s parents had told him he needed to be home by 1am, so I knew we were running out of time. “We’re probably going to head out soon.”_

_Simon nodded as he turned and stumbled back inside. I brought the cup of water over to Abby. “You need to drink the whole thing,” I warned her._

_She patted the area next to her on the lounge chair. She didn’t need to ask me twice. I sat next to her and she instantly leaned into my chest. We didn’t say anything, but we didn’t need to. Our silence spoke louder than anything we could have said._

_“Hey, Simon mentioned you might be able to give me a ride back to my place? I don’t live far,” Garrett said. I looked up surprised. I hadn’t even heard him walk over._

_I almost told him I couldn’t give him a ride. My car was already full. But then I saw how flushed his cheeks were and how glazed his eyes were and I knew I couldn’t trust him to walk home, no matter how close he lived to Bram. I shrugged. “Sure thing. It may be a tight fit, but I can give you a lift.”_

_I couldn’t help myself as I yawned. I didn’t want to leave Abby’s warm embrace. There was something that felt undeniably right about it, but I was going to fall asleep if we didn't leave soon. “I guess I should go track down Martin and Leah so we can head out.” I stood up. “Stay here and finish your water,” I warned Abby._

_“Sir, yes sir,” she teased._

_I found myself smiling as I went back into the kitchen. I looked around expecting Simon and Bram to still be there, but they had mysteriously disappeared. I groaned. Now I had to track down Simon as well._

_Leah was easy to find. She was sitting on the couch staring at the wall. “We’re leaving in a bit,” I told her._

_“Great! I’m exhausted,” she said. I doubted she was really that tired. She had looked uncomfortable all night and I knew she was eager to get back to Simon’s house. I don’t know how his parents were so cool with her sleeping over so often. I guess they just embraced that Simon was an adult and would be going away to college soon._

_I looked around and spotted Simon and Bram sitting on the stairs. They were both laughing at something. Simon was leaning against the wall, his face was bright red, and he had a droopy, drunk look to him. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that drunk before. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him a little drunk before. “Hey,” I said as I approached them. “We’re leaving in a bit. You’re almost at curfew and I think Leah’s tired.”_

_Simon didn’t say anything, but his head lolled and landed on Bram’s shoulder. Bram didn’t appear to notice. “I thought Simon said he was staying with Leah.”_

_I shook my head. “No, Leah’s staying with him. They’re walking back to his house from mine.”_

_Bram hesitated. “Maybe Simon should stay here. I can’t imagine he wants his parents to see him like this and the party will be dying down soon.” Most people had already left. A few stragglers remained that were waiting for rides or were trying to find their designated driver._

_I slowly smiled. If Simon was staying here, I could invite Leah to spend the night at my house. If Leah spent the night, I was sure Abby would too. I knew I could swing that with my parents, because I was undeniably sober and I could play the, ‘I’m trying to be responsible’ card. “You okay with that?” I asked looking at Simon. He almost looked excited as he nodded._

_“Hey, if you see Martin, can you send him outside?” I didn’t particularly care for Martin. He was a weird dude, but I drove him here, so I felt obligated to drive him home._

_Bram nodded. I assumed he found Martin because a few minutes after I returned outside and sat down with Abby, Martin came outside. He took one look at me and Abby, and the strangest expression crossed his face. I would almost say he looked hurt. “I will find my own fucking ride,” he said. His tone was surprisingly neutral for such hostile words. He turned and walked away._

_I gave him a few minutes to calm down, then sighed as I went back inside, hopefully for the last time. I checked all the rooms on the ground floor, but I couldn’t find him. I found Simon and Bram who were laughing as Simon tripped on thin air and found his balance by gripping the banister._

_I walked over to them just as Bram said, “Okay, I think you need to lie down.” He put his arm under Simon’s and began to guide him up the stairs._

_“You need to lie down,” Simon muttered, which caused both of them to start laughing again._

_I shook my head. If they were this drunk, it was probably a good thing Simon wasn’t going home. “Have you seen Martin?” I asked._

_“I think he was calling his brother,” Bram said. “I don’t know. He talked to Simon while I was in the bathroom.” Bram didn’t take his eyes off of Simon as he spoke._

_“He was,” Simon interjected. He looked a little upset about something. “He said his brother was going to come pick him up.”_

_“Oh great. Then we’re going to head out,” I told them._

_“Night,” Bram said. “Thanks for coming.”_

_Simon didn’t say anything. He tripped up the first step and looked around confused. I chuckled as I watched both of them ascend the stairs. They tripped multiple times and kept grabbing hold of the other to steady themselves which resulted in an endless loop of them being off balance._

_I turned and walked out. “All right,” I said loudly. “Anyone that wants a ride, better get moving.”_

 

“And then I left,” I explained. “I would say the video speaks for itself, but there’s not a whole lot of sound. I’m guessing you could figure out what happened next.

I heard Simon groan. “You’re gonna make me talk to Martin, aren’t you?” He asked.

I heard Bram respond immediately with a “yes.”

“Martin? What does he have to do with anything?” I asked.

“Simon recognized his voice at the end of the video,” Bram told me.

I frowned. Now that I thought about it, it did sound like Martin. “Oh. But why would Martin take a video of the two of you? And why would he post it?”

“I have no idea,” Simon said quickly. Too quickly. I had a feeling he wasn’t being entirely honest with me. I wasn’t going to push him. He’d had a weird night and by the sounds of it, an even weirder morning. “Thanks for clearing that all up. Bye.”

“Wait,” I said quickly before he could hang up. “I just want you to know… if this is what the two of you want, I’m happy for you.” Then I hung up the phone.


	5. The Last Gap

~ Martin ~

I suddenly understood why they tell you not to go to bed angry. I felt like I didn’t get any sleep last night, which was making me crankier than usual. I was angry at Nick and at Simon and at the whole world. I wanted someone else to hurt the way I had been hurt. My brother had made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything until I sobered up a bit, so I tossed and turned for hours until I submitted my post to creeksecrets. Even after that, I had trouble sleeping.

Which is why I was especially grumpy when I heard a knock on my door. My mom was at work and my brother was visiting some friends that he hadn’t seen since he went away to college, so I had no idea who it would be.

I hadn’t expected to open my door to reveal Simon and Bram standing on the welcome mat. “No,” I said angrily. I started to slam the door shut, but Bram put his foot out to stop the door. That had to have hurt, but he didn't complain.

“What the hell do you want?” I asked.

“I want to know why you posted that video,” Simon said. He looked furious.

“Like you don’t know,” I said bitterly.

“Look, before anyone gets too angry right now, you should know something,” Bram said, holding his arms out between us as if he expected a fight. “We don’t remember what happened last night, so if we did something to offend you, we are really sorry. We know you were the one who recording us, so we just want to know what we did to cause that. And we are hoping you would be able to tell us what we were saying on that video, so we can finally know what happened last night.”

“You didn’t do anything,” I told Bram. I felt bad for Bram. He was collateral damage. “You aren’t the one that promised to help me get with the girl I like and then didn’t do anything to actually help.”

“I didn’t promise you anything. You blackmailed me,” Simon told me angrily. “And I’m sorry that Abby doesn’t like you, but you can’t blame me for that!”

“You didn’t even try!” I shouted. I was practically shaking. He had some nerve. “You want to know how I ended up taking a video of you from the closet? I’ll tell you.”

 

_“Hey man,” Bram called out to me as I emerged from the bathroom. He was sitting on the stairs with Simon. It felt strangely intimate, like I was interrupting a moment they were sharing together. I wondered if Simon was into Bram. That would be awkward, because to the best of my knowledge Bram was straight. “Nick was looking for you. He’s getting ready to leave. I think they’re all meeting outside.”_

_“Thanks,” I said. I went outside and stopped dead when I saw Abby leaning into Nick’s chest. He was holding her hand and they looked like they were in their own little world. All the flirting they had done in the car now made complete sense. They were together and Spier hadn't told me. He'd let me come here just to have my heart ribbed out. What a dick. Nick looked up at me and I lost it._

_“I will find my own fucking ride,” I snarled. I turned and ran back inside. Simon was alone on the stairs now._

_“What the hell?” I asked him. “Do you think this is a joke?”_

_“What are you talking about?” Simon asked. He was almost incoherent._

_“I saw Abby and Nick together. You were supposed to help me. You were supposed to convince her to like me.”_

_“Do you even hear yourself?” Simon asked. He raised his voice, which only made him harder to understand. He shook his head as if he were trying to clear it. A few people stared at us, but I doubted they had any idea what we were saying. Simon appeared sober compared to them. “Do you hear how messed up that is? Did you ever think the problem isn’t me or Abby, but the problem is you? Rather than trying to talk to her, you blackmailed me into talking to her for you. Without putting in any effort, you expected her to fall for you. You don’t get to put the blame on me.” His words were harsh. They hit me even harder because I knew he was being completely honest with me. Somehow, I had convinced myself that Simon actually cared and that he was helping me because he wanted me to be happy. I realized now that he couldn't care less about me._

_“You can go to hell,” I said to him angrily. “And you can forget about me keeping your secret.” I pushed past him and ran up the stairs._

_“Martin, wait,” Simon called. “Where are you going?”_

_“I’m calling my brother for a ride,” I told him. “And then your secret’s out.” I slammed a door shut behind me. I had no idea where I was, but there was no one else here, so at least for a moment I was completely alone. I called my brother. He was home for the weekend and luck was on my side, because he immediately answered. “I need you to pick me up,” I whispered._

_“Text me the address. I’ll be right there,” he promised._

_I closed my eyes. That was one of the best things about my brother. He was an 'ask no questions' kind of person. I fumbled with my phone for a moment. Things were a little blurry, but I managed to send him the address. As I was trying to get back to my home screen, my camera popped up. I tried to exit out of it, but my fingers were not cooperating with my brain. It started recording and before I could figure out how to get it to stop, I heard Simon and Bram approaching the room._

 

“You know what happened next,” I said with a shrug. “You saw the video.”

“So Abby rejected you and you decided the right thing to do was screw with my life?” I had never seen Simon so angry before. Before I could say anything, Simon went on. “You have no idea what you did, do you? My family doesn’t even know I’m gay, but now the whole school knows. Being gay… It’s my thing. I’m supposed to decide who knows, and when they know, and how they found out. You had no right to take that away from me.” I stared at him, my mouth agape. For a split second, I thought he was going to punch me or something. “And you brought Bram into this. How dare you? I get that I made a mistake and I made out with a straight guy, and I get that you apparently think that’s the perfect way to get back at me. I understand that you were hurting, but that gives you no right to take him down with me.”

I stared at him. I couldn’t help myself. I started laughing. “You think you made out with a straight dude.” I looked towards Bram. “You didn’t tell him?”

“What are you talking about?” Simon asked angrily.

“Oh, this is rich,” I said.

“Can you just show us the video? Then we’ll be out of your hair,” Bram promised. He looked angry as well, but he was much better at hiding it than Simon was. His discomfort also overwhelmed every other emotion he could possibly be feeling. He looked like he was ready to run away the moment the opportunity presents itself.

I sighed. I did kind of regret posting the video without doing something to conceal Bram’s identity, but I couldn’t figure out how to do much more than take away sound so he wouldn’t out himself that way. Bram hadn’t done anything to deserve being outed, but if he was still lying about being gay, maybe it was a good thing I posted it. It’s not like anyone was going to care that he was gay. I didn’t understand why they were hiding it in the first place. It’s not a big deal anymore.

“Follow me,” I said reluctantly. “I’ll show you this, but then I want you gone.”

I led them to my bedroom where my laptop was sitting on my desk. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bram look around, his mouth was open with surprise. Somehow that actually pissed me off even more.

“Do you want to watch this or not?” I asked as I pulled up the original video I took.

Simon and Bram huddled behind me as I pressed play.

 

~ Simon ~

My hands balled up into fists as Martin pressed play. Much like the first time we had watched it, I was simultaneously dreading it and excited for it.

 

_Everything was spinning at first. “Fuck,” Martin said. “I can’t get the camera to turn off.” He played around with his phone for another minute, trying to make his drunk hands do what he wanted them to. He froze when he heard footsteps. The phone moved with him as he looked for a hiding spot. He jumped into the wardrobe in the corner of Bram’s bedroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. It was dark for a moment, then Martin moved his phone so the camera was peering through the opening in the door._

_Bram and I entered the room, laughing at some unknown joke. I was singing again. “As long as you love me, love me, love me, love me...”_

 

I frowned. I didn’t hate singing, but I also didn’t usually go out of my way to sing. I guessed that after singing karaoke that song must have been stuck in my head. At least I wasn’t spinning that time. Far too many people had recounted that I had span in circles while I was singing, which was absolutely horrifying.

 

_“Come on,” Bram told me. His face was flushed and his eyes were glazed over. “We need to get you into bed.”_

_“But… Leah… And home… And sleep,” I had said, but I hadn’t put up much of a fight. My head lolled over onto his shoulder and instead of pushing me away, Bram wrapped his arms around me and let his head rest on mine. He sighed contentedly. A goofy smile spread across my face as I turned and engulfed him in a hug. “You smell like coconut.”_

_Bram shook his head while laughing. “I already told Nick you’re staying the night. I can’t believe you already forgot. There was no way I could let you go home like this. You, my friend, are highly… you are… you are... intoxinebriat… drunk! That’s the word!”_

_I started laughing. It was a full-body, laughing so hard I snorted kind of laugh._

 

I stared at the video. I had never heard myself make that noise before. It kind of sounded painful.

 

_“Intoxinebriatdrunk. I’m intoxinebriatdrunk. You’re intoxinebriatdrunk. We’re both intoxinebriatdrunk.” I fell back against his bed and with what looked like considerable effort, I pushed myself up so I was sitting up straight. I was still hysterically laughing._

 

My stomach hurt just watching it. If I didn't have abs after all the spinning and laughing I had apparently done last night, I would be sorely disappointed.

 

_After a moment, Bram joined in and started laughing. “You’re probably right,” he agreed. He closed his eyes as he swayed on his feet. “I’ll sleep in the guest room.”_

_I jumped to my feet and my hand grasped around his wrist. “Why weren’t you Blue?” I whined._

_Bram froze and at least a minute passed before he said anything. When he did, it was a shocked, “what did you say?”_

_“I wanted you to be Blue. I thought you were flirting with me. Because Halloween Oreo cookies. And Beruit. And karaoke. But then minion girl and… I just want to know who I love. I wanted it to be you. Cute, sweet Bram with the awkward silences, and the crazy aunt with bad taste in men, and the post-presidency Barack Obama. But it’s not you. I just want to know who he is. I want to tell him that I love how much he cares and I love how brave he is. I want to tell him that I love how he has a way with words and how he loves the Halloween Oreo cookies so much they would have been a deal breaker. I want to kiss him and tell him I’m in love with him. I want to stop hiding, but he doesn’t want to stop hiding.” I sounded like a little kid that was told there’s no such thing as Santa Clause._

_Bram’s eyes somehow got wider. “In love with?” He asked._

_“I thought so. But it’s not you. It’s some other mystery dude.” My voice got caught in my throat and a few tears slipped down my cheek._

_“But this guy. You love him?”_

_“More than anything. He… he gets me,” I told him._

_Without warning, he leaned in and kissed me. And it wasn’t a peck-on-the-lips kiss. It was the kind of kissing that was inappropriate for anyone else to see. It was the kind of kiss that made my stomach twinge and my cheeks flush. I had never been kissed like that before._

_After a minute, he broke the kiss. “I’m Blue,” he whispered to me._

_I shook my head. “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.”_

_“No,” he said, his lips twisting up into a smile. “You’re Jacques.”_

_I suddenly smiled at him. “Barrack, it’s me Jacques,” I whispered just like I had been practicing earlier._

 

I couldn’t look at Bram. I felt my heartbeat in my head, driving out all coherent thoughts. It wasn't possible. No way.

Bram was my mysterious Blue. But... no... I misunderstood something. I had to have.

My Blue, who had realized he was gay whilst crushing on Jon Snow. And who didn’t judge me for the embarrassing stories I shared. And who understood me perfectly. That Blue, MY Blue, was Bram.

 

_“You said before you were in love with me. Did you mean it?” Bram asked me. I squirmed under his intense scrutiny._

_“Yes.”_

_“I love you too,” Bram said so quietly it was barely audible._

_This time, I was the one to kiss him. We kissed for a long time. It got pretty intense. I, tentatively at first and then with renewed vigor when he didn’t push me away, lifted up his shirt and ran my hands over abs refined through years of working out. This time, I noticed that Bram’s hands made their way up my back underneath my shirt._

 

I shivered, wondering what that must have felt like in the moment. I wondered how far we would have gotten if Martin hadn’t jumped out of the closet. I closed my eyes. Maybe we would have found out if Martin had never posted this video. Maybe we would have woken up, had a long talk about us, and then recreated the kiss from last night. Now, it would never happen. It made me feel a surge of anger. I needed to do something, anything. But the video wasn't over and I forced myself to keep watching.

 

_He held his phone close to us. “Behold ladies and gentlemen. Simon Spier, aside from being horrible at keeping his side of a deal, is in gay love with Bram Greenfeld.” We broke apart, but from our expressions it was obvious we didn’t really understand what was happening._

 

I stared at Martin’s computer screen for almost a minute before I jumped to my feet and fled from his house. I could hear Bram calling my name, but I didn’t stop running until I was almost down the street. Running was exhausting. I had a feeling my jeans weren’t the most appropriate wardrobe choice for running and pretty soon, I was gasping for breath. I stopped near a street sign to catch my breath.

Bram, who was in freakishly good shape if that video was anything to go off of, caught up to me in no time. “We need to talk.”


	6. All In

 

~ Bram ~

I hesitated only a moment, before I ran after Simon. In that moment, I made a decision of such magnitude, it kind of made my head hurt. Everything was all happening so fast. I thought I had needed more time, but as I watched Simon run off, my heart twinged and I knew I didn’t have that time. I needed to choose between my secrecy and Simon. I may not remember what we did in that video, but I couldn’t deny my feelings for him. They were stronger than my fear of officially coming out.

Especially now that I knew he’s Jacques. My Jacques. The guy I had slowly been falling in love with since August. The guy I bore my soul to. The guy that made me feel comfortable talking about things that I would usually cringe at. Most importantly, the guy that opened up to me as well. He was the first person that I felt I understood as well as I understood myself. I actually thought I understood him more than I understood myself.

He was my support system and whether I was ready to be out or not was irrelevant thanks to Martin. If I had to be out, I wanted to be out with Simon.

“Go to hell,” I muttered to Martin as I ran out the door. I wasn’t sure if I captured all of the anger I felt, but I guessed it didn’t matter. I couldn’t make him feel sorry for what he had done. When I got outside, I saw that Simon had only made it to the street corner. His hands were on his knees and he was gasping for breath. He wasn’t joking when he had said he wasn’t an athlete. I wondered how he managed not to figuratively die during dance scenes in the play. I easily jogged over to him.

“We need to talk.”

“Why?” Simon asked. He didn’t look at me, but I wasn’t sure if that was because he was trying to calm himself down or if he really didn't want to see me. He still sounded like he was out of breath.

“Because I can’t unsee or unhear what happened in that video and…” I hesitated. This was terrifying in a weirdly exhilarating way. I guess I was ready for a change, because the idea of showing the world who I was didn’t seem so bad as long as I got to do it with Simon. “I’m hoping you can’t either.” I looked down at the grass. I wasn’t good at talking about my feelings in real life. Becoming Blue had given me the opportunity to carefully think out what I wanted and needed to say, a luxury I don’t usually have. But Blue had served his purpose. He had given me the opportunity to get to know Simon for him and not for how he acted at school. He had given me the confidence to reveal who I truly was to someone for the first time. I felt ready to take everything I learned as Blue and use them as Bram.

Simon sighed as he started pacing. He fanned himself a couple of times, despite the fact that it was a chilly November afternoon. “Here’s the thing,” he said after several minutes passed. “I wanted you to be Blue and I’m not upset that you are, but I saw you kissing her. And I heard what Garrett had to say about her. And you heard what I said about how I feel about you. I heard what you had to say, but we were both really drunk. And if you’re not sure…”

“I came out to Garret,” I told him quietly. If I had known he was Jacques, I never would have taken Garrett off of speakerphone. “When he asked to be taken off of speakerphone, it was because he didn’t want you to overhear what I had told him. You walked in on me and that girl and about a minute later, I apparently ran away from her, much like you did in the eighth grade I imagine. I ran because once I saw you, I couldn’t keep pretending. I told Garrett that I was gay, because I’m not ashamed of who I am and I'm not ashamed of you.”

I could feel Simon’s intense stare. “Then I guess we should talk,” Simon said hesitantly. It was almost like he was afraid that I would still go running in the opposite direction.

I gently grabbed his hand, not caring that anyone could see us. “We should,” I said sincerely. “We need to figure some things out, like what we want this to look like... I think it’s safe to say that keeping it a secret is off the table, but we still have a lot to figure out.”

Simon nodded and followed me back to where my car was parked outside of Martin’s house. “Before we do anything or go anywhere, are you sure about this?” Simon asked me. He was looking straight through my front windshield, but I had a feeling he wasn’t seeing much outside of his own head. “We can still spin this so that you won’t face whatever is waiting for me at school on Monday.”

“Are you going to deny it?” I asked him curiously. “Are you going to pretend it never happened?”

Simon took a deep breath. “No,” he said after a long moment. “I’m not going to deny it.”

“Me neither,” I told him seriously. “I’m all in Simon.” I could feel my cheeks turning red, but I forced myself to maintain the eye contact.

Before he had the chance to say anything, his phone started ringing. He looked down at it. A grim expression settled on his face. “It’s my mom,” he muttered. For a moment, I thought he was going to ignore her phone call, but then he answered it. “Hey mom,” he said in a cheery voice.

I couldn’t hear what she was saying, but I’m assuming she asked him how his night was. “It was very… fun,” Simon said. He glanced at me while she spoke. “Actually mom, Bram and I have some homework to do, but… hold on a second.” He muted the sound on his phone. “I need to tell them. Anyone at school could have seen that blog. They deserve to hear it from me and not from some gossipy stranger at a grocery store.”

I nodded. “I understand. I can bring you home,” I told him. I tried not to sound glum. I was sure we'd be able to talk eventually.

He shook his head. “I want to talk to you first, but if you are serious about this…” He closed his eyes and hesitated. An emotion I could only describe as fear crossed his face, but it was gone in the blink of an eye. “If you really are all in, then I want you to come with me.”

I stared at him. Somehow, it hadn’t occurred to me that being with Simon would mean him meeting my family and me meeting his family. It would mean telling our families that we were gay and that we were dating. It would mean ignoring judgmental stares and whispers from our classmates and random strangers around us. We would have to have the awkward conversations about our relationship with our friends and families. The magnitude of what we were doing suddenly hit me, but it didn’t seem so scary. I almost welcomed it.

I nodded. “Okay,” I whispered. It didn’t seem like enough, but it was all I could get out. I wanted to tell him that I would love to meet his family and that I thought he was so brave for deciding to come out to them, even if it wasn’t under the most ideal circumstances. I wanted to tell him that I would do anything for him, but I couldn’t say it out loud.

Simon unmuted his phone. “We’re going to grab some lunch right now. We were hoping to do some work at home.” He turned to me. “She said we would be happy to have you and that you should be ready to try one of Nora’s newest creations for dinner. She’s apparently already preparing dinner. Our number one rule is if you don’t like it, lie.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “I think I can do that.”

Simon turned back to his phone. “Uh… mom, is dad home?” He frowned a little and then said, “figures. But he’ll be home soon?” He fidgeted a little. “No, nothing’s wrong. I just… I want to talk to you all when I get home.” His mom spoke for a long time. “I promise, nothing’s wrong. We should be home in about an hour. I’ll talk to you then.” Simon rolled his eyes. “I love you too.”

He hung up and turned to me. “How about Waffle House for lunch?”

I nodded and began to drive. I don’t know why, but I suddenly got very nervous. When I pulled into the parking lot, I was surprised to see that it wasn’t too crowded. For a Saturday afternoon, that was unusual, but I wasn’t complaining, because we were able to get a corner booth which meant less chance of being overheard.

Neither of them knew how to break the silence. “So… you’re Blue,” Simon said after he had pushed his menu aside.

“And you’re Jacques.”

“Wow, I can’t believe this,” Simon muttered. “I can’t believe we know who we are. I can’t believe that we’ve known each other for years, but we didn’t know… It’s just weird.”

“Very weird,” I agreed.

Simon looked down at the table. “What do you want to do about school?” Simon asked me, his voice barely audible.

I hesitated only a moment. “I told you, I’m all in. If you want to ride up to the school on unicorns, dressed in rainbow flags, and holding hands, I’ll do it. I would prefer not to, but I would do that for you.”

Simon chuckled. “I don’t think we have to be that openly gay…” He chewed on his lips. “But the hand holding…”

“It doesn’t sound so bad, does it?” I could almost see us walking into the school with our heads held high and our hands held tight.

“No, it doesn’t,” Simon agreed. “But, this is Georgia.”

“I think we’ll be okay at school. We’ll probably get some crap from some people, but I think we’ll be okay. That being said, you’re right. This is Georgia and we should probably be cautious outside of school.” I hated this. I hated that I couldn’t show the world who I was, but I knew it could be downright dangerous to be who we are in public. “And honestly, I’m not super comfortable with the idea of being all that touchy-feely in public. It has nothing to do with us being gay. If you were a girl, I would feel the same way.”

Simon nodded. “I don’t disagree with you, but I also don’t want it to be like we’re not together at all. I want to find that middle ground.”

“And we will,” I promised. “It may take a little while for us to figure it out, but we will.”

Simon grinned. I couldn’t help myself as I reached across the table and put my hand over his. “Something like this, for example,” I said breathlessly. “This would be okay every once in awhile, even in public.”

Simon entwined his fingers with mine. “And something like this might be okay every once in awhile when we’re walking through the hall of school?” He confirmed.

“More than okay,” I agreed. I held his hand for another moment, before I pulled it back. “But even without that, I want us to be normal.”

“What do you mean?” He asked confused.

“I don’t care if we hold hands or what our physical contact looks like in school or in public. I care that we can still talk to each other about anything, and still tease each other. I want to laugh if you say something funny as we walk down the hallway. And I want to make awkward, but perfect eye contact when we least expect it. I want to stand just a little too close to you, so that we’re not quite touching, but we’re standing closer than people who are just friends would. I may not want to hold hands all the time or make out in front of our lockers like Rob and Brianne, but I want us to be a couple. I want people to be able to look at us and realize how undeniably happy we are to be together. I want to be able to tease you for being distracted during class and I want you to be able to tease me about being so awkward around people - hey, I can embrace it. I want to be able to compliment you and make you blush… kind of like you are now. But most of all, I want to be able to appreciate just being with you, without being self-conscious that someone will realize we’re together.”

Simon’s face had turned a deep red. “Who would have guessed that you could be so poetic?” After a moment, he sighed. “I guess your whole post about riding a ferris wheel gave that one away didn’t it? But what you just described? That sounds freaking amazing,” he said with a huge smile.

I couldn’t help but return his smile. “It does,” I agreed.

As our food came out, we began to talk about everything and anything. I knew that soon enough, we would have to come out to our families and tell our friends that we are official. We were going to have to deal with awkward questions, judgmental stares, and people making a bigger deal about it than it was. Then again, I reflected as I stared at Simon. Maybe this being a big deal was okay with me.


	7. Out and About

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be a little longer… and by a little I mean a lot longer than the other chapters. I wanted to do the story justice by sharing their coming out experiences and it made sense to me for them all to be the same chapter.

 

~ Simon ~

Terror wasn’t a strong enough word to describe how I felt when we pulled up to my house. I knew that I needed to tell them and part of me knew they would be fine with it, but I was still inexplicably scared to officially come out to my family. I held Bram’s hand tight for a moment before we got out of his car. I knew he wished there was something he could do, but at the end of the day, this was my battle. Just like it would be his battle when he came out to his parents.

When we walked through the front door, I could hear laughter in the kitchen. “How can you still think he’s gay?” Nora asked as we walked in. I didn’t know what she was making, but she was currently doing something with broccoli, garlic, and oil. “On his last date, they went mountain climbing and had a picnic. It was so romantic.”

“He has no chemistry with any of those women. Honey, face it. The only way it would be more obvious was if he were waving a rainbow flag on camera,” my dad told her.

I groaned. Of all days for them to be debating the sexuality of The Bachelor. “Can’t you two just agree to disagree?” I asked. “I feel like all I ever hear you talk about is The Bachelor.” There was a little more bite in my voice than usual, which both of my parents picked up on.

“Simon,” my mom said hesitantly. “What’s up?”

I wasn’t sure if it was because they had just been in the middle of a debate about whether the Bachelor was gay or because they all looked so happy and I wanted them to hold onto that just a little longer, but I couldn’t do it. “Nothing really,” I said. “I just wanted to let you know I had a great time at the party last night. Sorry that I didn’t come home.”

“Nick texted me and let me know that you fell asleep at Bram’s house. You must be Bram. It’s so nice to meet you,” my mom said. She extended her hand and Bram shook it.

“It’s nice to meet all of you,” Bram said shyly. “You have a lovely home.”

“Oh, aren’t you quite the gentleman,” my mom.

“Right. We’re gonna go do homework,” I said quickly, before she could say anything to embarrass me. “Let us know when dinner is ready.”

Bram followed me up the steps to my bedroom. I shut the door behind me. I couldn’t help but laugh a little at the irony. They always made me prop my door when Leah or Abby were over, but with Bram, we could have complete privacy. “I hope you don’t actually have homework,” Bram told me quietly as he watched me latch the lock on my door.

“I do,” I said with a shrug. “But I have no intention of doing it.” I put a record on and a slow, quiet song began to play.

“Can I ask you a question?” Bram asked me. There was a strange look in his eye. “In that video, you said you thought I was Blue. How did you figure it out?”

I sat down on my bed and patted next to me. I grabbed my laptop and opened the internet browser. It automatically opened to creeksecrets and I quickly opened a new tab, trying not to look at the post about me and Bram. I pulled up our e-mails and opened one from earlier in the week. “For me, Halloween is all about the Oreos with the orange frosting in the middle,” I read out loud. “I got that e-mail about an hour before you said the same thing at lunch.”

Bram closed his eyes. “I never imagined it would be you. Like Garrett said, we all thought…” He stopped talking abruptly.

I frowned as I tried to figure out what he was talking about. “Oh, Leah?” I guessed. He nodded. “Do you regret it? I mean that you kinda outed yourself to me?”

Bram carefully considered my question before he shook his head. “No,” he said seriously. “I’m angry that Martin took it upon himself to out us to the entire world, but I don’t regret that you found out who I am.”

I nodded as I exited out of my email. I was about to close my laptop when the picture of Bram and I kissing caught my attention. I stared at it a second too long, because Bram leaned over to see what I was looking at.

I was sure if I looked in a mirror I would be bright red. Bram scrolled down to the video under the picture and pressed play. I guessed he wanted to watch it as much as I did. We watched, this time knowing what we were saying behind the video. When we started kissing in the video, I turned to look at Bram. I was surprised to see that he was watching me. There was a strange glint in his eyes. If I didn’t know better, I would say it was longing. Suddenly, I couldn’t take it anymore. I closed my laptop and pushed it to my side. I hesitantly brought my hand up to the side of his face.

After that everything was a blur. I don’t know if I kissed him first or if he kissed me. Maybe we met halfway. All I was aware of was the feeling of his lips on mine. I could hear the soft gasps he made as we somehow found ourselves lying down on my bed. He actually moaned when I slowly pushed his shirt up and over his head.

I was grateful that Nora was in the kitchen. We weren’t being loud enough to be heard from the hallway, but I could sometimes hear Nora open and close her dresser drawers and this was definitely something I didn’t want her to overhear. We weren’t in a rush and I knew that we weren’t going to do anything more than make out, but I did not want the barrier of his shirt between us. He must have felt the same way, because after I struggled to get his shirt off, he pulled mine off too. It was awkward and perfectly imperfect. I had seen Bram without a shirt on, perks of him being a soccer player, but I don’t think I ever appreciated it.

Bram’s muscles clenched and flexed under my hands and I doubted I could ever get tired of the feeling. I could feel his fingernails digging into my back as he tried to get closer to me. If this is what making out felt like, I wondered what it would be like when we had sex. I felt like we should be self-conscious, but if he was, he never showed it and I was too distracted by Bram shirtless to be self-conscious.

In between kisses, I would lay my head on his chest. Sometimes he ran his fingers through my hair. Sometimes we just talked. “When are you going to tell your parents?” I asked him after I had regained my breath after one particularly intense kiss.

Bram sighed. “My mom will be back on Monday,” he told me. “I was thinking that maybe you could come over for dinner. My dad’s a bit of a challenge because he lives in Savannah.” He bit his lip and I was so distracted by that, I didn’t realize he was trying to get my attention until he lightly shook me.

“Sorry, what?” I asked. My head felt weirdly foggy.

“I said, when I introduce you to my parents, I would like to introduce you as my boyfriend. Are you okay with that?”

I stared up at him. “You want to be my boyfriend?” I confirmed. He nodded. “Hell yes.” I couldn’t help myself as I leaned up and kissed him.

It seemed like no time had passed before there was a knock on the door. My mom was telling us that dinner was ready. I reluctantly rolled off of Bram. I wanted to cherish these last few ‘normal’ moments with him, because I knew everything was about to change. There were going to be different rules soon and I was positive that what had just happened would not happen so easily again.

I was silent as I ate Nora’s latest concoction. It was some mashed potato meal that kinda reminded me of a pot pie, but it was nothing like that.

When I had meticulously scraped my plate clean and had lined up my fork so it was perfectly perpendicular to the edge of the table before I turned to look at Bram. He had long since finished his dinner. He squeezed my knee under the table and smiled at me in encouragement.

“Hey, so there’s actually something I wanted to talk to all of you about.” I stared at the tablecloth and I could feel myself getting jittery. “The thing is…” My breath hitched and I looked down at the table. Why was this so hard? Two little words should be nothing, but these two little words would change my whole world.

“Let me guess,” my dad said. “You got someone pregnant. No, you’re pregnant.”

That was so far from the truth, but I forced myself to laugh at his joke. “Yeah, sure. I’m pregnant. No, actually…” I looked right at Bram. He had a small, uncomfortable smile on his face. His eyes were filled with love for me and that gave me the strength I needed. “I’m gay.” An uncomfortable silence hung in the air for a moment as my family processed what I said.

“Honey,” my mom said gently.

“There’s more,” I whispered. “You see, Bram is… we’re kinda… he’s my boyfriend.” I couldn’t imagine a more awkward way to break that news. With my girlfriends, it had been so easy, mostly because they didn’t feel like real relationships. But Bram was so undeniably real. My heart soared as I called him my boyfriend for the first time. I watched him duck his head to hide his own pleased smile. “I don’t want you to think any differently of me. I’m still the same me I’ve always been. I just happen to be in a relationship it happens to be with a… with Bram.”

“Of course you’re still you.” My mom looked between the two of us. “I’m happy that you found someone you can be yourself with. That’s a precious gift.”

I looked at Nora and my dad. Nora was smiling nervously down at the table. My dad coughed uncomfortably. “So, you’re gay,” he said at last. I nodded at him. “So, which girlfriend turned you?” Bram choked on the water he had been drinking. “Was it the one with the braces?”

“You’re not funny,” Nora interjected.

“You know, I’m all done eating and I think Bram needs to get home,” I said quickly. I jumped to my feet. I suddenly had a stroke of genuis. “You know, I’m actually going to go over to Bram’s place and help him clean up. I’ll be back by midnight.”

I practically dragged Bram out the door. I don’t know if my parents tried to say anything or if they were doing that nonverbal communication thing, but I didn’t stick around to find out. “I’m sorry,” he whispered quietly when the door closed behind us.

I shook my head. “He doesn’t mean anything by it.” I wasn’t sure who I was trying to convince.

“I’m still sorry.” Bram grabbed my hand to stop me and we stood still. “Whether or not he was joking, I’m sure it sucked to hear that.” He kissed my cheek and somehow it felt more intimate and romantic than all the making out we did earlier.

“Come on,” I said after he stood there a moment. “I apparently set a curfew.”

Bram chuckled. “And I do have quite a bit of cleaning to do.”

“Ugh, I was joking,” I grumbled.

“If we don’t get my house cleaned up, my mom will literally ground me until I go away to college,” Bram pointed out. “And I would like to see you before I graduate.”

“Can’t argue with that logic,” I muttered.

 

~ Bram ~

I was at Simon’s house after school. He was blowing off play practice and I was blowing off soccer practice because I was terrified. Simon spent the rest of the weekend avoiding his parents which only made me more nervous for tonight. Simon had done his part, now it was my turn to come out to my mom.

After his dad’s reaction, Simon told me I didn’t have to do it. I think he felt embarrassed that I'd had to witness his coming out. But I felt like I had to, and even more than that, I wanted to. I was so tired of hiding who I was and today only reaffirmed how much I wanted to be out.

Stares and whispers followed us all day long. I was actually grateful when we ended up being late to school this morning because we lost track of time trying to figure out this whole situation. He was arguing that I should wait a couple of days to come out to my mom, because we both shouldn’t have to deal with the stress of a bad coming out reaction. I was arguing that he should talk to his parents and clear up the whole thing rather than sit with his frustration about his dad's joke. We both agreed we couldn’t officially come out to the school until I came out to my mom and dad.

Simon refused to budge on the idea of talking to his parents and I was adamant that I needed to tell my mom tonight, mostly because I had a feeling that if I didn’t tell her soon, I never would. I had, foolishly, volunteered to make dinner since she was getting back pretty late. Simon had the genius idea of grabbing some leftovers from Nora, which was how we found ourselves at his house.

Nora was walking us through how to reheat her chicken without drying it out when Simon’s parents walked in. “Thanks,” Simon said quickly. He grabbed the bag of leftovers and started to walk out of the kitchen.

“Simon wait,” his mom called. “We need to talk.”

“We have to make dinner.” Simon was extremely stiff and looked like he wanted to disappear.

“It can wait a minute. Bram, we want to talk to you too.”

I fidgeted uncomfortably trying to figure out what I should do. I could really see a future with Simon and the last thing I wanted to do was start our relationship in a bad place with his parents. I walked towards him and put my hand on his shoulder. “Si,” I whispered. “You have to talk to them sooner or later.”

“I vote later,” he grumbled.

“Well, I vote sooner. I’m not leaving until you talk to them,” I warned him.

He reluctantly followed me to the table where his parents were sitting.

“We know you want to get to Bram’s, but we want to make something clear,” Simon’s mom said.

“In case it got lost in translation somewhere, we love you very much,” Simon’s dad said.

“And we couldn’t be more excited that you found someone like Bram,” Simon’s mom added. She turned her gaze to me. “We know we likely left both of you wondering whether we approved of you beginning a relationship.” A long silence extended until she elbowed Simon’s dad.

“Oh, right. Well, the thing is… I didn’t make those jokes because I was ashamed of you being gay. I was ashamed with myself. I’ve spent years…” he shook his head. “Well you know, and when you told us that you are…” Simon’s dad started to tear up. “I just started to think about how much harder I must have made it on you.”

“Shit dad,” Simon said. His voice was shaking a little. “Don’t cry.”

“I’m trying not to.” Simon’s dad was not succeeding. He rubbed his eyes, but the tears kept coming. “All I’m trying to say is that we are so, so proud of you. And we love you, no matter who you love.”

Simon got to his feet, just as his dad did. They hugged and I couldn’t help but smile. For all of Simon's obsessing over what he could say to his parents, he'd never really considered that this could happen. This was quite possibly the best-case scenario.

“And Bram?” Simon’s mom looked towards me. “We know you must be a pretty special kid and we’re excited for the opportunity to get to know you more.”

“Okay, that’s enough talking about our feelings for one day,” Simon said. “Thank you, both of you. But, we really have to get going.”

I couldn’t stop smiling the entire drive to my house. “That went well,” I said once Simon put his car in park.

He nodded. He put his head down on his steering wheel and I was shocked to hear a sob ripple through him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said. “I just… I feel like I can finally be me. It feels freaking amazing.” He looked like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

I chuckled as I got out of the car. “I think I can get used to you being this happy all the time.”

Simon was at my side a second later and waited patiently while I unlocked the door. Per Nora’s instructions, her chicken would only take fifteen minutes to reheat. “I think I want to put my mom in a good mood before I come out to her,” I told him quietly as he followed me to the kitchen.

“How are you going to do that?” Simon asked. I didn’t answer, instead I looked through our pantry until I found what I was looking for. I held up the box. “Oh no, no, no. I know Nora can cook and bake, but I’m useless when it comes to stuff like that. She literally got all of the cooking genes, every single one of them. I’m lucky I can prepare cereal without screwing it up.”

“We literally just mix in eggs and oil. You would have to try to mess it up.” Brownies were easy to make. Easy enough that I’d made them for soccer bake sales when my mom didn’t have the time to do it.

“You’ve never seen me cook before,” he grumbled.

I rolled my eyes and went in a cabinet to pull out a mixing bowl. “Can you grab three eggs?” I heard him open and close the refrigerator as I preheated the oven. I laughed when I turned around and saw him. He was holding the eggs out as if they were going to spontaneously combust on him. “They’re eggs, not grenades. You can put them down.”

“What do I do now?” he asked me. He looked completely clueless.

“You weren’t kidding when you said you don’t bake, were you?” I teased. I passed him the box and started looking through cabinets to find a brownie pan. Just as I found it, I heard a gasp from Simon. I looked towards him and I started laughing. I couldn’t stop. I laughed until my stomach hurt. Simon had opened the box of brownie mix and I’m not sure how, but he managed to get powder all over his face and in his hair. Every time I almost calmed down, I saw the indignant look on his face and started laughing again.

“Fine, don’t help. I’m sure your mom will love brownies that are simultaneously burnt and undercooked. Ask Nora, I’ve done it before,” he warned.

I was still laughing as we began to mix together all the ingredients. The good thing about brownies is they take very little time to prepare. The longest part is baking them in the oven.

Once we put the brownies in the oven, I started to put the mixing bowl in the sink. “Are you crazy?” Simon asked. “You’re not even going to lick the spoon?” I stared at him. “That’s the best part. Whenever Nora bakes, I always get the spoon.”

“There are raw eggs in this.” I closed my eyes. Could I sound like more of a nerd?

“Who cares?” Simon asked. “Come on, get a spoon. You’ll love the batter. It’s almost as good as Oreos.”

Reluctantly, I listened to him and grabbed a small spoon from our cutlery drawer. When I turned back towards him, I felt something wet hit my cheek. I brought my hand to my cheek and it came back with brownie batter. From the mischievous twinkle in his eye, I knew Simon had done it intentionally. I scooped the batter off my cheek and flung it back at him. It hit him smack-dab in the middle of his forehead.

We both started hysterically laughing. Pretty soon, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t stop smiling. This was what I had imagined when I thought about being with Jacques. Not specifically throwing brownie batter at each other, but having moments where we laughed until we cried; having moments where we were carefree and silly.

I wanted to remember this moment forever. I wanted to remember leaning over the counter to scoop up more brownie batter that I could throw at him. I wanted to remember forgetting to be proper and forgetting to be shy. I wanted to remember when he wrapped his arm around me and kissed my cheek were the first glob of brownie batter landed. I wanted to remember how utterly in love with him I was.

Too soon, our perfect moment had to end. We had to take the brownies out of the oven, get cleaned up, then we had to cook Nora’s chicken. Once that was done, we sat on the couch, pretending to do homework while we waited for my mom to come home.

After a minute, Simon closed his textbook and put it aside. “Are you actually doing any work?” He asked me.

“No,” I admitted. “I tried to, but I can’t focus.”

Simon scooted close to me and put his arm around my shoulder. I leaned into his chest and instinctively brought my hand to his. “I can’t say everything is going to be okay, because I don’t know that it will be. I can say that, no matter what happens, I’m here for you.”

I closed my eyes. “Thanks.”

“I love you.” His voice was barely audible, but I heard him just as well as if he’d screamed it.

“Love you too.”

We sat in silence until I heard the doorknob rattle, announcing that my mother was home. My breath caught in my throat. I had no idea how to do this. I quickly opened a book while Simon put several inches between us. I didn’t realize until I attempted to start reading it that it was upside down.

My mom walked in. “Hey mom, how’s everything with Aunt Christie?” I got up and gave her a quick hug.

My mom shrugged. “We filed a police report, but there’s not much we can do. I don’t understand how this keeps happening to her. She’s a smart girl,” my mom sighed. Her head perked up. “Something smells delicious.”

“My sister is really into cooking, so she gave us some chicken for dinner,” Simon told her. Despite the fact that I told her he was going to be here for dinner, my mom looked surprised to see him.

“That was very nice of her. Where are my manners? I’m Susan, Bram’s mom.” She held her hand out to Simon.

He shook her hand. “It’s so nice to meet you. You have a lovely home.” He raised his eyebrows at me and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. He totally stole my line.

“Right, so dinner’s ready if you’re hungry,” I said. “We also threw together some brownies for dessert. I figured you had a long weekend.”

She put her hands on her hips and looked at me suspiciously. “What did you break?” She asked.

In defense of her, the last time I made her brownies, I had accidentally thrown a ball through my bedroom window. “I didn’t break anything.” Except her hopes and dreams for me, but I didn’t say that part out loud.

She didn’t look like she believed me, but she must have been hungry, because she let it drop. “I can’t wait for some dinner. I've only eaten fast food for the last five days.”

“You’re in for a treat. My sister is really talented,” Simon told her as he followed us to the kitchen.

We began to eat and my mom immediately complimented the food. I only took a few bites, before I put down my fork. I was so nervous and I knew I needed to get this out sooner rather than later. “How was school? Did you do anything fun this weekend?” My mom asked as she ate.

“School is great. I got an ‘A’ on my English paper and we're starting a new project in history. I’m gay and Simon is my boyfriend. I threw a Halloween party this weekend that most of the school attended.”

My mom froze mid bite. Simon was looking at me with wide eyes. I could hardly believe I had said it like that. I should have broken it to her gently, but I was so terrified that I wasn’t thinking straight. I guess, technically, I was never thinking straight, but that was neither here nor there.

“What was that?” My mom asked.

“I got an ‘A’ on my paper?”

“After that.” She was blatantly staring at me now.

“I threw a Halloween party?”

“Before that.”

I took a deep breath. “Mom, I’m gay.”

“After that.”

I stared at her. “Wait… Did you know?”

“I had my suspicions,” she said. “Now, what was this about Simon?”

“Wait how did you know?” I waited a minute for her to answer, but she just stared at me and waited for me to answer her question. “Simon is…” I glanced over at him. “my boyfriend.”

My mom put her fork down and nodded. “I had my suspicions that you were gay for a long time. You’ve been so secretive lately and you showed no interest in girls. Even when I asked you about it, you would change the subject. And you left your laptop open one day last week. I saw it when I was putting away laundry…”

“Did you read my emails?” I didn’t know how to feel. Part of me thought I should be offended that she invaded my privacy, but another part felt relieved that she wasn’t completely blindsided by this.

“Not emails plural. Just the one that was open,” she admitted. “I didn’t mean to, but a line in it caught my eye and I couldn’t stop reading.”

“But you never said anything.”

“I wanted to give you your space. I figured when you were ready, you would tell me.” She glanced at Simon. “So, you’re the boyfriend?”

Simon had been watching our exchange, his mouth slightly agape. He quickly shut his mouth and nodded. “Yes ma’am.”

“Are you two sexually active?”

I was grateful I hadn’t been eating something because I’m pretty sure I would have choked. “What?” I asked. I could feel myself blushing. “No!”

“If you are, you are. But you want to make sure you’re being safe.” Out of the corner of my eye I saw Simon sink into his chair, his face bright red. “You need to use a condom every time.” Why did my mom have to be a doctor that was completely comfortable discussing my sex life? “Every time, even if it’s just oral sex.”

“We’re not having sex,” I told her.

She looked at me skeptically. “You know there’s no shame in having sex. I mean, I’d prefer if you’d wait until you were both adults, but if you are currently sexually active, you need to be safe about it. Oral and penetrative sex can lead to STDs. And some of them can be with you forever. If you ever have other sexual partners, you could give them an STD.”

I was trying very hard not to die of embarrassment. “Okay, mom. I’m gonna say this one more time. We are not having sex. At this rate, we may never have sex. If and when we do decide to have sex, we will be safe.” She still didn’t look convinced that we weren’t having sex. “You know, we have some more homework to do,” I said before she could do anything else to embarrass me.

“Keep your door open,” she called as I disappeared out of the kitchen.

“That was mortifying,” I whispered as we climbed the stairs. I hesitated outside my door. The last time Simon had been in my room, we discovered that we had hooked up. He’d been in my house Saturday night and most of Sunday, but by some unspoken consent, we avoided my bedroom.

I felt like I should acknowledge that, but I had no idea what to say. Fortunately, Simon did. “I never thought I’d be back here,” he whispered. “When we left on Saturday, I was convinced that I had royally screwed up with a straight guy. Thank God I was wrong.”

I chuckled. “I’m glad you were wrong.” I pushed open my door and Simon looked around, really taking in my bedroom.

“I want to talk to you about something,” Simon said as he studied a poster on my wall.

“Yeah?” I asked him curiously.

“You got pretty defensive when your mom brought up sex. I was just wondering… was that because you didn’t want to talk to her about it or because you don’t ever want to…” Simon trailed off. Thanks to the flush in his cheeks and the embarrassed look in his eyes, it wasn’t difficult to figure out where he was going with that.

“Mostly that I didn’t want to talk to her about it. But I’m not ready to think about that yet. I don’t… I mean eventually, yeah. But right now? I’m not there. I want to take this slow.” It was ironic that I wanted to take it slow considering how backwards our relationship had been. We had loved each other before we met in person. We had made out before we admitted we were gay. Everything had been backwards, but I wanted to do this right.

Simon looked relieved. “Of course not now,” he said seriously. “I love making out and talking to you as Simon and not Jacques, and I’m not ready right now either. But eventually… I don’t want to scare you by saying this, but eventually I’m going to want more than that. I can wait as long as you want to wait. I just wanted to make sure it wasn’t completely off the table.”

“Nothing’s off the table when it comes to you.”

 

~ Simon ~

“He’s not going to come,” Bram grumbled.

“He’ll be here,” I said with more confidence than I felt. Late the night before, we had decided we needed to officially tell our friends that we were in a relationship. We had barely seen them the day before because Bram and I had been called into Mr. Worth’s office right before lunch. We had been subjected to the longest and most uncomfortable lecture about how he had seen ‘the offensive content posted to creeksecrets’ and we should be assured that it was being ‘investigated to the fullest extent’ of his powers. Then he wanted us to know that we had an ally in the school and that if we felt threatened or bullied by any students, we should come to him immediately. As if that wasn’t humiliating enough, he also had to point out that when he said he saw himself in me, he most definitely was not referring to the gay thing. He brought up multiple of his sexual escapades. Are vice principals even allowed to talk about stuff like that? Bram said he was so adamant about that because he’s uncomfortable with his own sexuality. Maybe Bram’s right, but that didn’t make it less horrifying. Between that, us being late to school, and us blowing off our extracurricular responsibilities, we only saw our friends in passing.

But, today, we were officially coming out to the school. After his mom’s great, albeit awkward, reaction to him coming out, we felt ready. I had texted our friends to meet us before school started, because we wanted to talk to them. I was pretty sure they all knew anyway, but it was important to both of us that we do this.

I had texted Garrett, whose response was, “You want me to go to school how much earlier?????????” He had included several sleepy-face emojis just to really get the point across. I hoped he was joking, but Bram seemed to think he was being serious.

I could see Leah, Nick, and Abby huddled together at the front of the school. I almost felt guilty, because Bram and I were still sitting in the warmth of my car, but we were waiting a few more minutes to see if Garrett would show up.

“We can’t wait anymore,” Bram told me. “The buses will be here soon.”

I knew he was right, but that didn’t stop me from grumbling under my breath as we got out of the car. I heard a door slam to my right and I couldn’t help but grin when I saw Garrett. I shot Bram a smug look and he just rolled his eyes.

I took a deep breath. “Ready?” I asked him.

“As ready as I’ll ever be,” he said. He looked a little pale, but that was only to be expected. I felt nervous as well, I just tended to fidget when I was nervous, rather than go pale and quiet like Bram.

We walked towards our friends. We kept a fair amount of distance between us, something Abby picked up on right away, if her glare was anything to go by. “Hey guys,” I said, letting out a huff of air. “So, we know that by now you’ve all seen that creeksecrets post. We first wanted to apologize. We were both extremely drunk that night and we appreciate you being willing to share what you remember.”

“That being said,” Bram continued for me. We had practically rehearsed this while we were sleep-deprived, yet unable to fall sleep because of how nervous we were for this. “We did want to address that particular post. Martin was the one that recorded the video and posted it to creeksecrets. He did it because he had feelings for Abby and he was upset when he saw her with Nick. He blamed Simon.”

“Martin was going to out me regardless,” I continued. “It’s true that I am gay. He found out a couple of weeks ago when I was sending emails back and forth with another closeted gay student in our school. He took screenshots of my emails and told me that he had planned on posting them if I didn’t help him with Abby.”

“So when Simon and I walked in and started… doing what we were doing.” I almost smiled at his blush, but I remembered that we had decided to be as subtle as possible until “we dropped the bomb” on operation “closet.” Neither of us got much sleep last night and when we were talking on the phone at 3am, that was the best codename we could come up with. “What you didn’t hear in that video and what we found out from Martin was that I admitted to being that closeted gay student,” Bram explained. “I am gay.”

I could practically feel Abby’s eyes bulging out of her head. She never did well with anticipation. “We had been emailing back and forth for awhile under fake names. Bram had assumed the name of Blue, while I had been using the name Jacques. We had a really long talk when we found out who the other was. We knew that regardless of whether we liked it or not, Martin had outed us and we knew there were going to be awkward questions for us. We had not planned to make out that night, and we had not planned to come out to anyone, though we now know that’s not how the night played out,” I explained

“So, I came out to my mom last night,” Bram said. I could see him fighting a smile.

This was the hard part, especially since it made both of us so incredibly happy. “And I came out to my family over the weekend.”

“And since we either through the video or while extremely intoxicated came out to you this weekend, we wanted to officially tell you that we are gay, because you are our friends and we never wanted you to hear it from anyone, but us. We can’t help what Martin did, but we can make sure we are all on the same page moving forward,” Bram said.

I couldn’t help it as the smile I had been fighting broke through. “Because it would be really awkward if the whole school knew we were boyfriends before you did.”

I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect four blank stares in our direction. Bram squirmed uncomfortably and took a step closer to me. “And we decided that we weren’t going to hide it while we were at school, so… I dunno, we thought it would be rude not to officially tell you.”

Still, we were met with stares. “Can you say something, please?” I asked. I began to fear that they were upset with us or something. Unintentionally, my hand found Bram’s and I could feel myself calming down.

The gesture was not unnoticed. “Okay, I can’t take it,” Abby said. “Garrett was all like ‘be calm, be cool, don’t make a big deal about it. Bram’s a shy guy’.” Abby tried to lower her voice to imitate Garrett. It may be the worst Garrett impression I’ve ever heard. “He didn’t want us to embarrass you or pressure you, especially since we figured you skipped lunch to avoid having this conversation. But this is such a big deal. I mean, you guys went from being secret pen pals to holding hands in broad daylight at school. And I don’t care what you said, Garrett. I am going to make a big deal about this.”

“We didn’t skip lunch to avoid you,” I said surprised. I didn’t know why that was my takeaway from what she said. “We were in Mr. Worth’s office for over an hour because he wanted to talk to us about that post. Believe me, we would have rather been anywhere but there.”

“Speak for yourself,” Bram said, a small smile on his face. “I thought it was hilarious.”

“That’s only because Mr. Worth wasn’t tormenting you. You just sat there and watched, and chose not to stand up for me, I might add. Some boyfriend you are,” I teased.

Bram shrugged. “I don’t see you uncomfortable around people all that often. It was cute.”

I blushed a deep red. It was going to take a little time to get used to someone calling me cute and not meaning it in an elderly-aunt-pinching-your-cheeks kind of way. “Right, so we weren’t avoiding you. That’s what we are trying to get at.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Nick asked. Abby elbowed him and shot him an angry look, but he ignored her. “Why didn’t you tell us? Bram, I understand you not telling us, but you didn’t even tell Garrett. And Simon… Did you think we wouldn’t be supportive?”

I shook my head. “I just didn’t want anything to change. Pretty much everyone here has known me since I started kindergarten and I knew that once people knew, everything would be different. Somehow, that made it harder. I knew you would have all been fine with it, but… I dunno. I just wanted to hold onto who everyone else thought I was for a little bit longer.” Saying it out loud made it seem silly. “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s your life,” Nick said with a sigh. “I just wish you would have told us sooner.” Abby elbowed him again. “But, we respect your decision. And we’re here for you.” He was rubbing the part of his stomach that she had elbowed.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Thanks.” I glanced at Leah. She had been surprisingly quiet and still had a blank expression on her face. I looked at Bram as I dropped his hand. I tried to subtly tell him what I was going to do. He nodded, but I wasn’t entirely sure he really understood. “Leah? Do you want to take a walk?”

She hesitated only a moment before she nodded. We only walked far enough away that we wouldn’t be overheard. “What’s wrong?” I asked her.

She closed her eyes. “You’re my best friend Si. And you didn’t tell me about this,” she whispered.

“Like I told Nick…” I started to say.

“You didn’t want things to change. I heard you. But you know me Si. You know nothing would have changed between us. And because you didn’t tell us, I had my heart ripped out through a video. Do you know what that felt like?” She asked. She sounded like she was about to cry. I had never seen Leah cry or get anywhere close to crying before.

I felt like I was missing something. “You had your heart ripped out?” I asked skeptically. “I admit, I wish I would have told you myself, but…” I stopped talking as Leah looked away and a light bulb went off in my head. “Oh.”

I didn’t know what to say. It seemed impossible that Leah could have liked me. We were us. We were the misfits that found each other. We’d been best friends for thirteen years, but I could see from the flush in her cheeks that it was true.

“Yeah, well,” she said, shrugging.

This didn’t seem like the kind of thing you could just shrug off. “Look, Leah, I’m sorry. I had no idea,” I told her honestly.

“It’s not your fault.” She wiped away a tear that slipped out. “I never told you that either.”

A long silence stretched between us.

“What now?” I asked her quietly.

“We go back to being Simon and Leah. I’ll get over it soon enough,” she assured me.

I hoped she was right. I hesitated only a moment before I gave her a hug. She wasn’t a particularly touchy-feely person, but today, she didn’t try to escape from my embrace.

The first bus pulled up as we re-joined our friends. We watched as several students entered the building, some of them openly pointing at us and whispering as they passed.

I looked at Bram and extended my hand. “Ready?” I asked him.

“Ready!” His smile made me feel like I could take on the entire school as long as I had him by my side.

 

~ Bram ~

“So, what do you know about Hanukkah?” I asked Simon nonchalantly.

“Not much,” he said, eyeing me skeptically. I was laying with my head on his lap and he was running his fingers through my hair. It was wonderfully soothing and I never wanted it to stop.

We had told his parents we were going to the library to study. We weren’t technically lying, because we were in a spare room in my house that my mother had jokingly referred to as ‘the library’ on many occasions and we had done a little studying… I mean mostly studying each other, but we didn’t tell them what we were studying for.

His parents had been a little overbearing the last couple of weeks. At first, I thought that they were trying to make up for years of Simon’s dad making jokes about gay people, but it had started to feel like they were spying on us. Between Simon’s dad, mom, and sister, we didn’t have a second of privacy in his house. We had actually resorted to sneaking out to his car to talk on multiple occasions.

Plus, my mom was working late tonight, so we were enjoying one of our rare moments alone. “You see, my dad is coming in for Hotel Hanukkah this weekend. Yes, it’s several weeks early, but we always celebrate it early. I’m going to come out to him and I would kind of like you to be there.”

“Hotel Hanukkah?” He asked confused. I didn’t blame him for not remembering. I had mentioned it in passing when we were talking about how I was dealing with having divorced parents.

“It’s my awkward tradition with my dad. We meet at whatever hotel he is staying at, pretend to light a menorah, and give each other eight presents to open at once. It’s the world’s way of reminding me that I’m not going to see him again for months,” I said with a shrug. “I figured aside from my usual gifts of coffee and English papers, I could…” I glanced at Simon. “Give him a gay son for Hanukkah?”

“Okay, but only if you wrap yourself up,” Simon joked. I think he could feel how tense I was about this. “If you tell him that you have a boyfriend, does that count as two gifts?”

“I hope so,” I said, smiling despite how nervous I was.

“It could be your theme,” Simon said, his smile growing bigger. “You can get him some rainbow flags, maybe an Elton John CD.”

I couldn’t help but laugh alongside Simon. “It would be like a Pride Parade in his hotel room,” I joked. “So, this means you’re in?”

“Of course,” Simon said with a shrug. “Is there anything I need to do to prepare for this? Like read the torah or something?”

I couldn’t help it as I started to laugh. “I’m not trying to convert you. I just want my dad to meet you.”

“Fair enough,” Simon said with a shrug. “So what should I get your dad so I can make a good impression?”

I shook my head. “You really don’t need to get him anything.”

“His only son is gay and in love with me. I’m pretty sure I need to get him something,” Simon said. “Does he drink coffee?”

I couldn’t help myself as I brushed some hair out of his eyes. “You’re in love with his gay son. I hope that’s enough of a present.”

Anything else he would have said was lost when I sat up and kissed him. We’d been together a month, but every time we kissed I felt the same feelings as our first kiss… well, the first kiss I remembered. The only difference was that there was now a sense of longing, a desire to do more than just make out. I was beginning to think we were actually going to have to have the sex talk soon, because I was starting to feel ready.

That weekend, Simon and I drove up to the hotel my dad was staying at. Simon drove my car after I nearly hit a stop sign and a telephone pole. He said I was far too distracted to get us to the hotel in one piece. He probably wasn’t wrong.

Simon helped me carry my dad’s gifts up the stairs to his room. I knocked on the door and we had to wait a minute for him to let us in.

I awkwardly hugged him. He was less touchy-feely than I was, which was saying something. Simon being the sole exception, I usually didn’t like being hugged or touched.

“Dad, this is Simon,” I said motioning to Simon.

Simon held out his hand. “It’s nice to meet you sir.”

My dad shook his hand. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

He gestured for us to come inside. He had a light up menorah near the window. We had to tighten the lightbulbs so one-by-one they turned on, just like if we were actually lighting a menorah. I have to admit, that was probably a good idea. Definitely better than last year when he just pretended to light each candle. He looked pretty proud of himself.

We had latkes and chocolate milk. It was a weird combination, but not a bad one.

Then it was time to exchange gifts. I always cheated on gifts and this year was no exception. I gave him four English papers that I had gotten a perfect score on, some novelty coffee, and a book that my mom mentioned he wanted. If he noticed that he only had six gifts, he didn’t say anything. He had gotten me socks, a few books, and some of the CDs I had dropped hints about during my last phone call with him.

The icing on the cake and the thing that made me realize just how blindsided he was going to be when I told him I am gay, was one of the books he got me. _History of my Life_ by Casanova. I could practically hear Simon fighting his laughter when he saw the book. I could only imagine the comments he would make if my dad weren’t here.

Simon gave my dad some coffee and my dad gave him a pair of socks. I kid you not. Socks. And then Simon was looking at me expectantly and I knew it was time.

Holding Casanova in my hand, because I didn’t know what to do with my hands if I wasn’t holding something, I cleared my throat. “Dad, I have one more… gift for you.”

My dad looked at me expectantly. I stared at the carpet for over a minute. “Is it in your car or something?” He asked.

I shook my head. “No… It’s something I have to tell you.” I took a deep breath. “I’m gay.” My dad’s face was completely neutral as he studied me. Simon nudged me with his knee, reminding me that I wasn’t done. “And uh… Simon is my…” I closed my eyes. Why was this so hard? It shouldn’t be so hard, but something about my dad’s emotionless face had me more on edge than if he had reacted badly. “He’s my boyfriend.”

My dad stared at me for what felt like hours, but was probably only a couple of minutes. To his credit, Simon did not try to interrupt the awkward silence once.

Just as I felt like I was going to scream if he didn’t do or say something, my dad nodded and said, “Okay.”

“Okay? That’s it?” I asked uncertainly.

He shrugged. “I can’t change who you are, and I don’t want to. I’m surprised, but I love you no matter what.” It sounded weird and forced coming from him, but I knew he meant his words.

“Thanks,” I said with a small smile.

“You know,” he said looking at the book in my hand. “Casanova is bisexual.”

Simon stared at him. “Mr. Greenfeld? You are fr-awesome!” Simon said.

 

~ Simon ~

“Are you really going to post it?” Bram asked.

“I’m not ashamed of you,” I told him seriously. “And I’m sorry if it ever seemed like I was.”

I yawned. I was completely exhausted. Garrett had thrown an end-of-the-semester party the night before. Bram and I had been more cautious than we had been around Halloween, but we had still gotten drunk. Drunk enough that Bram confronted me about why I was so withdrawn at school. He feared that I was having second thoughts about our relationship.

That’s when I had my breakdown and I told him about the kids that were harassing me in between classes. I told him about being shoved into the door of a locker and the girl that told me that Jesus could heal me. I told him about how afraid I was that those comments would be directed towards him.

He was the one that pointed out that we had agreed to ride through the ups and downs together.

That was how I found myself sitting in Bram’s bed, sporting a mild hangover, and pressing post on what I had written for the creeksecrets blog.

_Hello. My name is Simon Spier. A little over six weeks ago, a post on this very website, revealed that I was gay. That very same post outed another student in this school. Since then, I have spent a lot of time avoiding questions about my sexuality, dodging awkward comments of support and criticism, and clinging to my friends and boyfriend like a lifeline._

_To the person that posted that video of me and Bram (you know who you are): I will not forgive you. I am supposed to decide who knows, how they find out, and when they find out. That was taken away from me. Because of you, I had to tell people I was gay before I was ready for them to know. Because of you, I have been subjected to countless comments, I have been harassed, I have been pushed around. I will not and cannot forgive you for that. But, thank you. While I cannot forgive you, I recognize that I have grown because of what you did. I am more sure of myself, more comfortable in my skin than I ever would have been otherwise._

_To everyone at Creekwood High: I recently realized that it may seem like I am ashamed of my sexuality or ashamed of my boyfriend, so I wanted to clear the air. I am gay. I am proud to be gay. These last four weeks remind me of something I read on this blog at the start of the school year. An anonymous user posted that sometimes he felt like he was stuck on a ferris wheel. On top of the world in one moment, rock bottom the next. That’s how I’ve felt the last six weeks since someone took the liberty to reveal to you all that I am gay. It took an amazing guy to show me that I am not stuck on the ferris wheel. Now I realize, I am gladly along for the ride. There are always going to be ups and downs, that’s life. What makes it all better is that we are not riding the ferris wheel alone. Through every up, through every down, through every hateful comment - we are not alone. I consider myself very lucky to have amazing friends, a supportive family, and most importantly someone I love to share every moment with. I am going through this rollercoaster we call life with my wonderful boyfriend, Bram Greenfeld and I couldn’t have asked for a better travel companion._

_Some of you may be shaking your heads or rolling your eyes, some of you may think that this is corny or untruthful, even more of you may be thinking that I do not have the right to be so ridiculously in love with a guy. But I am, so get over it._

_Bram is everything I could possibly look for in a person. He is kind and thoughtful. He always knows what to say. And most importantly, he is never afraid to stand up for what he believes in. We were lucky enough to find each other, lucky enough to fall in love, and lucky enough to find something in each other that we wouldn’t have had otherwise: the strength to be ourselves._

_So to answer all the questions I have been blatantly ignoring for the past four weeks:_

**_YES_ ** _, I am in love with a dude_

**_NO_ ** _, it’s not weird kissing a guy. Hello, I’m gay. For me, it’s weird to kiss girls_

**_YES_ ** _, we hold hands, go on dates, and do all the normal, cliché things couples do_

**_NO_ ** _, I don’t find it uncomfortable to kiss Bram when he has stubble on his chin_

**_I DON’T KNOW!_** _If he finds it uncomfortable when I’m stubbly, he hasn’t said anything_

**_NO_ ** _, I will not dress like I’m gay. I don’t even know what that means and I am more than comfortable in my hoodie and jacket, thank you very much_

**_YES_ ** _, I became gay to spite my parents, because people do that. We choose to be gay even though assholes like you ask us questions like that. In case the sarcasm went over your head, I did not choose to be gay. Gay chose me_

**_I DON’T CARE,_** _if you think Jesus loves me, hates me, or feels sorry for me_

**_IF YOU DON’T_ ** _know how gay sex works, look it up. Stop asking me_

**_ARE YOU BRAM? NO?_** _That means I will not discuss my sex life with you, so stop asking_

_Please, if you have any other stupid questions about my sexuality, keep them to yourselves._

_I am tired of living in a world where I am afraid to be myself. I am so tired of avoiding questions and trying not to look happy for fear that someone will try to crush that happiness. I am tired of letting someone else dictate how I should feel and who I should love. I wholeheartedly believe that everyone deserves a great love story, even me. I am so grateful to Bram for being mine._

_Love, Simon_


End file.
